12/11/01

This morning wasn't real interesting until X-mod started. As usual I went to X-mod around 7:45. We went over the old calculus mid-term and then we went to the breakfast for the raffle tickets. Adam and I sit down at a table and who decides to sit down with us? None other than Chris P, the guy no one likes, and who keyed my car. Anyways the breakfast was still good and I stuffed my face. Cathy as usual ate nothing. Then while in government class, we had two firedrills. It wasn't that bad because there is no one in that class that I really get along with, so it's pretty much a boring class. Then I went to physics and found out that I didn't do well enough on yesterdays test. After we got through todays review I talked to Alex and Lindsey about Florida. I'm probably going to choose a traditional dorm for living arrangments and hope I don't get assigned some loser or thugged out black guy as a roommate. In english I felt kinda weird because I know Susan likes me, but she doesn't know me, and I keep glancing at her and there she is looking at me. I wonder if my crush notices this about me too, I think they might because I get caught looking in their direction a lot. Oh well. Again in English I talked about housing arrangements at Florida with maribel, she too is going with a roommate. When I leave here I hope to start a new life and leave most of this behind, that is why I'm not rooming with someone I know. There's something else I've been thinking about too...for someone who doesn't talk to many people and doesn't hang out with many people, a whole lot of people seem to know about my personal interests and whats going on with me. It actually makes me wonder...do they know so much about me because they dislike me? or do a lot of people actually think of me as an OK guy, but feel that I don't give them a chance to befriend me? Perhaps I shut people out to protect them from my lies. I understand that sounds stupid, but I am way too vulnerable to let everyone see the true me. It seems that everyday Im getting closer to letting the truth out but it scares me shitless to think that everyone, friends and enemies, will then be able to see my soul. If I let down it would change way too much. Perhaps I am a conceited asshole, but hey, everyone knows that and I still have my friends. Maybe some of them talk about me behind my back, and to think about that hurts but if you really think about it, most everyone talks about someone else behind their back. Anways, I got a little sidetracked there. The rest of the day went slowly. I found myself exhausted by c-mod and even tried to catch some more sleep at work. Then later tonight when I saw mom and therese, a big argument broke out about me being conceited and arrogant and it hurt me to realize how angry and futile my sister is. Her words sting like salt in a wound. She will definitely piss many people off in her lifetime. Well, let's hope tomorrow brings new wisdom and fortune.