01/06/02

In church tonight, the priest was talking about hate and bigotry. How it exists everywhere in todays world. I realized that I'm a hateful person. I personally am against homophobes and I don't understand how anyone in this world can persecute and hate people based on who someone loves. I often pray that I never come in contact with people like this, however, tonight I realized that sometimes I am no better. I dislike lots of people for many different reasons and they are all superficial. I also look down on others thinking I'm better than them, but how can I be, look what I have to show for my cockiness and hate. I have one good friend, who sometimes I even feel uncomfortable with, then I have a few other friends, but all those relationships are shallow. Somehow I came to be an negative person and I have pushed people away. The only thing in my past that I can remember that could effect this is when I moved schools in the third grade. I was used to being friends with everyone, then when I got to St. Marks, someone made fun of me and it hurt, it hurt really bad. Ever since then I've always responded to hurt by ignoring it and believing that I am better than those who hurt and dislike me. I have many flaws, but the biggest one is dealing with pain and problems. I know I keep saying this, but hopefully college will be a new place where I can reinvent myself. In fact, from now on Im going to live my way and do stuff that makes me happy. I'm not going to mask my emotion when I get hurt and Im not going to let people put me down. This is one new year's resolution I plan to keep.