12/23/01

Well this weekend I made another big revelation-theory about my ability to have relationships. I had gotten susan's phone number and told her I would call her to set up a date on saturday. Well being the nervous and lazy fuck that I am, I chose not to call her, Carolyn or Corini. Instead I waited until 5pm saturday and found that she was going to work. I felt horrible. I'm not so worried about a relationship with her, because I'm not even that attracted to her. I'm worried because I'm still unable to open myself up to people. The only thing I cant hink of , that could cause this closure is my fears and anticipations of my sexuality. Which, by the way, was knocking on the closet door on saturday. I had volunteered for the needy childrens christmas party and the flamey kid Matt also volunteered. He is a little feminine and somewhat skinny, but still pretty cute and probably gay. So, I found myself trying to hang around him all day. Thank god he is friends with someone I know, otherwise I would have looked weird trying to talk to him and be near him. I think I was trying to hit on him as obviously as I could without someone else noticing. Only problem is, he didn't notice either. I'm so good at keeping myself in the closet, that I'm finding it hard to get guys to notice me. Another weird thing is that his feminity doesn't turn me off like it usually does with other people...sure he's cute, but ive never found the girlish ones to be my type. Another scary thing is that I'm finding out that telling cathy all my secrets isn't helping me out much anymore. It's time I've found a guy like me that I can share my secrets with, I don't want this relationship to be anything more than platonic. That is going to be hard because im so horny and lonely that I wont' be able to get emotionally close without sex following it.
Okay, now that I got that out...Christmas is two days from now and I'm upset to find that I'm not really in the mood right now. People have told me that it's the weather, but I think it's because I'm getting older and I'm losing my inner child. I have found out lately that I have less imagination, fewer happy dreams, and little things don't hardly please me anymore. I'm really taking a turn for the worst. I'm becoming super greedy, I'm even being more of an asshole that usual. Somethings got to give, I need to turn my life around. I need to do it now, not later. I can't wait til college before I change my life, Ill go crazy or die before then. I think I may need professional help.