01/10/02

I think it is safe to say that today was planned to be a shitty day. Nothing seemed like it could be somewhat good. First off, the morning drive to school was practically an obstacle course...I'm lucky I didn't get a ticket. Once I get to school I realize that I missed the lettermens' club meeting. Then at the table I was practically ignored. Then in calculus someone pretty much told me that nobody even cares enoug about me to look at me. He didn't say it quite like that, but thats what it sounded like to me. I was completely overwhelmed with hurt. The thing that hurt the most is that for the most part his statement was true. Then at the end of the day I went in the locker room and saw the kid that is real feminine and acts gay...now I knew he was a swimmer, but i didn't imagine him to have a body THAT nice. I was like, Wow. Then shortly after I was talking to michele who is friends with him and I alluded to the fact that he was very gay-like and she said that he wasn't gay and that he had a girlfriend. I was kind of dissappointed at first because I could have sworn he was gay. It's kind of funny actually...there's him, the kid that seems totally gay but isn't, and then there is me, the kid that seems totally straight...but isn't. I guess I should have figured he wasn't gay...afterall, i never notice him checking me out...so he is either not interested or he really is straight. Someone else, on the other hand, looks at me a little too long for it to be just a passing glance. Granted, his eyes aren't glued to me everytime we are near, but he does sometimes and I'm beginning to think there maybe something in his eyes i don't know about. Perhaps lust, perhaps love. Maybe. But I do know that if I think about if for too long, Ill just drive myself crazy. I'm not ready to open that new chapter in my life up yet. I'm thinking more about getting through until prom without going crazy. After prom might then be a good time to open up, but until then Im not going to say anything. It's funny how life keeps rolling a long and not really worrying about daily drama...but will life keep rolling just as smoothly, less smooth, or more smooth once you jump tracks. Getting through the small obstacles is easy, getting through the larger, tough ones is what shapes our life and determines our fate.