01/11/02

I learned today that I truly am alone. Fucking first off this morning I get informed that no one likes me. The truth is...no one even notices me. When we went to th basketball game tonight, a lot of people were there, I started to feel a little nervousness and anxiety. Everytime I get in a large crowd I always get the feeling that everyone is staring at me and that I'm not welcome. Ron, Corini, and I stood by oursleves for an hour and no one even bothered to come by and say Hi. This is supposed to be our senior year, it's supposed to be a lot of fun. So far it's been less than okay. Corini said, "Well guys, I guess we're not cool." I keep telling other people and myself that its okay because the "cool" people are all superficial and while they have many friends, they don't have any close friends. I keep saying stuff like that, but deep down inside I envy those people. No one can see the real me. Why can't anyone see through my mask? Can they not see the lost hurt little boy that I am. The depressed steven who is so lonely and knows that no one likes him. the kid who is shy and nervous around people. All they see is a guy who doesn't talk to a lot of people but sometimes he never shuts up. He seems happy but he comes off a bit stuck up. They think I'm an asshole because I say some mean things some times while trying to fit in. They think I'm stuck up because I stay to myself and don't talk to a lot of people. They confuse my nervousness with conceitedness. To them I think highly of myself. Without my mask, I'm actually depressed and I have low self esteem and not much confidence. I've set myself up so perfectly for destruction. Nobody is brave enough to reach out and help me, no one to love me. Why can't I just break down and cry...I need to release. Perhaps shouting suicide will get attention and love. I doubt it. There is not a single thing I can do to get people to like me. Shit, I can't even tell people that I am alone and depressed. People must think of me as the asshole with no feelings...because they sure treat me like that. People walk all over me everyday and don't even realize what they are doing. Tonight was the start of another lonseome weekend. Why do I always feel so bad? Do you think that if no one likes me already, will they even care when they find out that I'm gay? It's not like I'm going to lose much when people find out. How can you lose friends you don't have in the first place? Cathy keeps telling me that if I come out it would be selfish. HOW? I want to know why the fuck my problems would effect her or anyone else for that matter. I just don't want to lose her in the end too. I'm going to need someone to turn to.