01/14/02

Well the last time I wrote in this journal I was in a depressed mood. I felt trapped by my sexuality, but now that I've made up my decision to live a little more free I'm getting a little better. On saturday when mom woke me up she about fainted when she saw the picture of the Abercrombie model on my desk, hehe. I told her to get used to it and she said that I must be getting a little braver. At least it's a step, remember...one step at a time. Later in the day I got a stereo put in my truck, so now it is driveable. In fact, sunday i had a few errands to run so I drove the truck all day. It's gonna be awesome when it is finished. Anywyas, last night I found this cool site called straighacting.com, they had a masculinity test so I took it...but the results weren't quite what I expected. On a scale from 0 to 10, zero being a manly man and ten being a queen, I scored a five. I didn't realize that I was that feminine. But the quiz said I was somewhat feminine and as I thought about it, it's pretty accurate.
This morning...after all the embarrassing ultrasound tests on my nut, I asked mom if she thought I was feminine and she said some things i do are. Then I told her about the quiz. I'm not trying to shove it down her throat, I'm just trying to get her used to it, because if she really loves me, she is going to have to look past it. Nothing at school today was anything worth mentioning, so I'm not in a really depressed or excited mood. I'm neutral today. I think it is because of this new cd I bought...(the Calling) It's kinda mellow and alex's voice is amazing. It's so amazing that I wish he was all mine ;). But I really do like the music. anyways, I know it wont work for long, but it is working now. When it stops I'm going to have to find something else that makes me happy. In fact, one day i hope ill find the only thing Ill ever need. I'm actually kinda scared that I will never find him and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. God I hope not, I need to be loved by my soulmate...i dont think I'll last on my own.