02/23/02

Well, I'm back to my lonesome now. I should have known that it was too good to be true. I'm still amazed at how far I let it go without realizing that the chances of it being good were very minimal. It is now apparent to me that High School isn't me. It's very hard for me to get along with immature assholes and I'm too strong-minded and strong-willed for everyone to get along with me. I also realize how hard it is going to be for me to come out and be myself. For all of High School, even before I knew for sure, I've been hiding behind my stonewall defenses. I don't believe that I could handle any humiliation if it were to come my way. And even though I don't have a boyfriend to try it with, I probably would not be comfortable in public with him. It's going to take me a while to open up and get used to people suspecting or knowing I'm gay. College will definitely be a defining period in my life. It's an open drawing board and I have four years to sketch my life out. I know that not everyone in this world will like me or accept me for who I am. I'm not so concerned about those people. I hope however that I will meet many people who will be dear to me and I hope that I have room for them in my life. Today, I'm a cute, single, gay teenager at a Catholic High School, with one true friend who happens to be a girl and one guy who is the next closest thing I have to a friend. That's me plain and simple, or so it seems, but don't let me confuse you, I'm so much more complex that even I don't know where the road dead-ends. Somehow I've endured four years of my life through a very tough time, I hope life gets much easier. I know it won't though. I do plan, however, to make up for my deprivation in high school with hopefully four great years in college. It's amazing I chose to go to Florida I would have never dreamed it two years ago. I don't think it will be so bad, I just hope that people from my past will not care about who I truly am in the future. Truly, the biggest loss when I come out will be the Boy Scouts. For six years now I have been actively involved and I have learned more than anyone can imagine. It is one past memory that will be hard to forget in the future. I know that it's not long before I'm out and I can start anew, complaining about my last three months seems vain so I'm going to try my best to have fun now that the end is so near. Who knows, I might even quietly get into the homo teen dating scene. There's a lot of cute guys in my life, some may be gay, most are not, if I find one that I like that likes me then so be it. I will wait longer if I need to though. That guy at Blockbuster is really cute and definitely gay, perhaps I should make a pass at him. :) Anyways there's a lot of things I've yet to experience and I hope I have the chance to do many of those things before my time draws to a close. It's a good promise to make because I know that if there is one person to keep such a promise, it is me. One day, I'll meet the greatest guy on earth and we will live out our life lists with each other, but until then I'm alone and I have to finish the High School part of my life happy and perhaps with a big bang!!!