02/07/02

Again. I make it sound like no one likes me, which I don't think is completely true. Sometimes I guess I make people feel like I don't like them. I sit here and expect people to just call me up but they don't. Maybe they are waiting for me to call...I hardly ever call anyone anymore. I used to call tons of people, I would go down a priority list and keep calling down the list until I found someone home that could talk. But now I get so nervous when I call people, I think that maybe they won't want to talk to me or they will be mad and not like me if I call. It's very hard for me to pick up the phone and call someone. I'm only comfortable doing that if I'm calling Cathy. She makes me feel like shit though. Pretty soon I will have such bad anxiety that I won't need a phone. I'm a negative person and I guess I always assume the worst, but the big problem is that no one helps me out and does anything positive for me. When I am down there's never anyone there to pick me up. No shoulder to lean on. I guess everyone assumes I'm just a brick wall with no emotions that doesn't matter in life. I'm just supposed to be tough, insensitive and an asshole. People assume that I'm a generally happy person who is satisfied all the time. I wish I was. Oh how I wish I was happy. I'm surprised that I don't cry often. That's how bad it is right now.