02/10/02

Time just doesn't seem to pass by fast enough to keep me happy. Nothing seems to make me happy right now except for the thought of Nate. On Friday, things got so bad that I actually cried for the first time in a loooong time. It started because I hadn't heard from Nate in a while and then Cathy dissed me. I wanted her to go to the laser light show with me but her greedy friends made her go to the basketball game so I got upset thinking she doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. Then I started believing in my head that no one cares enough about me to even bother to call. I'm not upset because I have no friends, I'm upset because I have no friends who are close enough to hang with. I never get invited anywhere and I always feel like I'm imposing on people when I show up somewhere. Needless to say I get real lonely and Cathy is the only one who can remedy that, but she's been acting different lately and I'm not sure how much longer she is going to put up with me. Plus everyday I get more on the verge of screaming out that I'm gay because I need to talk about it, but the two people who know don't agree with me and don't support me. They just tolerate it cause they love me. I need someone who is totally accepting and can joke around about it with me. My mom is starting to piss me off because every chance she gets she says some derogatory comment about gays and she is hurting me. I can understand that she may wish that I get married but when she says Im not a man because I'm gay, that hurts. So, without a doubt, this was probably the worst weekend of my life except for the fact that I got some new gear for hiking next weekend. I can't wait, its' going to be a fun weekend. For once, I won't have to worry about feeling like a loser and staying home on saturday night. In fact, hopefully this week will pass quickly because I want to get past Valentine's day without it bugging me too much. I know I'm alone, but hopefully this will be the last year that will be true. I sure hope life gets better. Its only like three months left until we get out of school and then I can go to New York, buy a bunch of nice (queer) clothes and get my new car. I can party in the Bahamas, maybe catch a big blue this year and then come home and prepare for the new experience of college.