01/15/02

Hey, it's really hard to explain what is going through my mind right now. I believe the reason is because I'm not sure of what I'm thinking at this point in my life. Im unsure about many things, I feel lost all the time. I know that for a few reason I can not wait until graduation but there are many other reason why I wish I was still a freshmen. That was before I realized my sexuality and before I realized what it's like to be lonely. when I graduate I know for sure I'm going to Florida. That is probably the only thing in my life I am sure about. When I get there I have no clue what is going to happen to me. Obviously I hope to meet some extraordinary people and make some great friends, but when it comes to people I am shy and I have a confidence problem. I fear that no one will like me, or if they do it is because I'll party and get drunk with them. I don't want life to be that way though. There's so many decisions I'm going to have to make after may 25th and I'm scared shitless. Will people accept me and like me? Some won't and I understand that, but hopefully I'll make more friends then enemies. I'm aslo worried about my future after college...I already know I can't handle a down and dirty career. I'm not sure I can be restrained in an office all day either. So many choices, I literally feel like a lost boy sometimes. I watched the first episode of Real World Chicago tonight and it startled me to see people who are just as lost as I and then people who are absolutely sure about their future. Chris was very shy at first and after a few days he's still not told anyone he is gay. It reinforces that belief I had that being gay doesn't befine who you are. In this world there is a big problem with stereotyping. Even I am guilty of stereotyping. It's very hard to not judge people, especially in high school, but I need to get past it. Now to be on the receiving end of it is nothing new... My first experience with it was that everyone never believed or believes that I am an intelligent guy. Peers at first thought I was a dumbass who preferred to joke around...they thought I was the stereotypical dumb jock. Even some of my coaches found it hard to believe that I make good grades. The stereotype people have labeled me since I turned 16 is the one I hate the most. People seem to think I have my head stuck up my ass and I'm a snob. Its an automatic response because people see me drive up in a mercedes and see me wearing nice clothes. I can't believe people would let that get in the way of getting to know someone. I've found it hard to make friends just because of that one stereotype. In fact, some people dislike my wealth so much that they feel that they should key my car. It irritates the hell out of me. All stereotyping irritates me and it is one of my two best reasons for not being openly gay. I don't want people to automatically disregard me for my sexuality, I prefer for them to get to know me and then make their judgement. I think it will be harder to make friens once I'm labeled gay and it's already hard enough. One day I'm going to face teh music and I'm going to try my best to impact people's lives in a positive way. In the book of life, I don't want to be just a sentence in peoples lives...I want to get close to them and be a whole chapter in their life story. When I die I would like to know that everyone I have impacted in my life will take a moment to say goodbye and pray for me.