01/26/02

Tonight I went to the dance with Susan and the rest of her group. It was okay but I think Susan was trying to make the night miserable for me. We took pictures everywhere and then went to Charthouse for dinner. For the money, the food should have been better. Anyways when we got to the dance I saw a lot of cuties, too bad I couldn't dance with any. Susan also wasn't dancing with me, so I had to find some other girls that could dance. There weren't many. I ended up dancing with some not too pretty girls, but I'm okay with it. Even though a lot of people saw me with some uglies. Truth be told, I like dancing and none of the pretty girls can dance. Then Carolyn and Susan rushed me out early, so I had to stop dancing. I'm one of the better dancers at school and I can't wait until I'm old enough to go clubbing. I know the gay clubs around here suck, but I still can't wait to go to a gay dance club. I'm gonna have so much fun there. You know, everyday I think about being normal. I could get almost any girl I want to but because I'm not normal I have put up this brick facade. It's purpose was to keep people from finding out about me and hurting me, however it's also served to fool everyone into thinking that I'm an unlikeable guy. Sometimes I wish that I had come out back in my sophomore year. People would have either accepted or rejected. It's funny because the only friends that I have, who can put up with my stonewall, hate gays. So how am I supposed to come out and still have friends? It haunts me to think what would happen if I just outed myself. But sometimes I'm scared that I'll actually do it. If I could seriously pick the best time to do it I would do it at prom, but there's no way I would have a boyfriend that I'm comfortable with by then. I need to talk to mom and get her to feel Dad out because I'm worried most about him. I just have to keep telling myself that May 25th is just around the corner. Once that day passes, I have nothing left to worry about. I'll be able to seek what I always wanted: acceptance and love. I'm trying really hard, let's hope I can do it.