01/23/02

It's truly amazing how much Ive matured since I started writing in this book. I've noticed many changes lately and I blamed them on other people who I thought werent being themselves. Today I learned that it had nothing to do with any of them. It was simply me. I was maturing by the minute and didn't even realize it. I finally realized it today at lunch. The losers at my table were bitchin about how they are the only ones who can put up with me and accept me. It was ironic that they couldn't see that they were so wrong. As I sat in self-meditation I realized something that I already suspected. Those guys have me all wrong, none of them truly know me. Ron barely knows me, the rest aren't even close. They have the nerve to say that they put up with me and accept me. It's probably the other way around. Somehow I've managed to put up with them for four years. How I did it is a mystery to me. Also as I was sitting there quietly thinking, I observed them. I actually studied their behavior and what I saw absolutely revolts me. They have nothing better to talk about so they make fun of someone, talk about video games, sex, sex, oh and more sex (even though none of them have probably had any except Mark and of course, myself). They are so immature it is no wonder that none of them can get a girlfriend. So after I snapped out of my trance I once again left the table and talked on an intellectual level with Cathy. I think she was happy that I was finally growing up. After school I kind of touched down on the subject with Ron and Corini but they still werent catching on. So I worked out and blew off a lot of my energy and then went to the office. When I got there I didn't feel like working so I went for a ride with Mom and had one of those special talks with her. I expressed my biggest fear to her and she told me what her biggest fear about me is. She is really worried that I won't be happy and that society won't accept me. She also told me that she was afraid that some guy will try to punch my lights out. I explained to her what I plan on doing in college and I finally told her the reasons I chose UF. Honestly, I couldn't even explain them before because I wasn't quite sure how to define them. I think she understands why and I think she is also starting to come to terms a little bit more with my sexuality. Afterall is said and done for today, it wasn't too bad and I actually had a few conversations that were meaningful. I'll leave you with my new motto, "is it May 25th yet?"