01/29/02

Yesterday in religion we were assigned an autobiography that we are to write for ourselves. I think the idea is really cool and I'm curious to see how my work will come out. I think that I will learn or discover quite a bit about myself...even more than I do writing in this journal..the only thing that bothers me about it is the outline Ulmer gave us. It asks a bunch of questions about life, how it was, what it is now and what will it be. The questions are easy to answer, but I'm not sure that I want the religious staff of Bishop Kenny reading it. It's not that I feel it is too personal, it's more about the fact that the answers are a part of my secret and religious people are the first to judge my "secret." hehe. Anyways, between yesterday and today, I can say this week sucks and is going to take forever to pass by. The teachers are bombarding me with projects, homework, and quizzes/tests. Not only that but I'm still not caught up on sleep and my social life is going through some hazardous times. I don't know how many people have noticed me, but I know at least a couple people have noticed my change in attitude. I truly am trying my best to be nicer and more intellectual and intimate. I don't know if it is because of religion class or just because I've been like this forever and have been hiding it. So, in spite of the many obstacles I'm going to try to continue my change in attitude. I guess I'm trying to come out, but I need people to see the other parts of me before they learn about that part. Because, truly, only Cathy knows me and all of my parts. I even told her a little bit about my perfect coming out plan. The way I see it is that I set up the limo with all my friends and set up the little post-party at my house. I take cathy or just a friend to prom, we go with the group and in the limo. I act like my hidden self all through out. Then around 11:15 my boyfriend would come in (I bought him the ticket). The DJ will start to play a slow song that I requested earlier in the night as the crowd then parts to reveal him...the most beautiful guy in the place, walking straight towards me and ignoring everyone else. We then embrace and start to dance and after the song is over we walk hand in hand to my friends and tell them that we are going to go to the limo for champagne and wait. Sigh...a boy can dream right? Ideally, my friends would be fine with it and we would all ride back to my house in the limo and party the night away. In reality, if I did do all this, I believe everyone will stop dancing and just watch us. Some would say, "told you he was gay," and others would say "Oh my god, I can't believe he is gay!" Then there would be those that wanna laugh and those that wanna hurt us. Some will feel betrayed and half won't even care. My friends however would probably try and kick us out of the limo. That would hurt a lot, but it wouldnt stop me from going through with all of this. Nope. The part that scares me is the fact that we still will have a month of school afterwards and I'll go to school and have to put up with the students leers and stares...what's even more uncomfortable is the teachers and how they will respond to it. They won't outright hate me, but they will look at me differently. Everyone will and I don't want that to happen. Mom asked me today, "who are you taking to prom?" I don't know mom, I'd like to take a guy but no one else would like that, so I'll probably take some girl who doesn't mean much to me or I'll go with Cathy. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Lots are popping up and I'm getting stressed out. Hopefully I'll make wise decisions when it comes time to.