02/05/02

I think I am seeing a pattern in the days of my life. It seems to me that everyday I'm getting more and more depressed. My life appears to be swirling towards the drain. Everywhere I go at school everyone is saying the same old immature shit. Why can't we all just grow up and talk intellectually about something that matters? Most of today I spent my time sleeping in class, since there was nothing else to do. Everytime I tried to talk to someone I either got interrupted or they tried to talk about less interesting, immature topics. Maybe it's just me and there's some weird explanation of why I am alienating myself from everyone else. I've tried to be nicer and not so annoying but people don't seem to appreciate the change so I'm getting upset and now I am changing for the worse. Instead of being in a good mood, where people will want to talk and maybe like me, I'm moping about feeling down and sorry for myself. I am kind of closing doors in the faces of those who want to befriend me. I'm sure that deep down somewhere, all this leads to me being gay and the fact that I need to be loved. I'm not even comfortable with my sexuality with my best friend. I was talking to her today and I couldn't even say to her, "because I'm gay, " it came out as "because I'm different." How can I expect other people to be comfortable with me when I can't even talk about it with the one person who knows and doesn't care? I, seriously, envy those who are comfortable enough with their sexuality that they can converse and joke about it. I've hidden mine for so long that it is being stubborn to come out. I seriously want to tell people but I can't even say it out loud. I can only say, "hey, I'm gay!" to myself. I'm a loser, I have two friends that I actually talk to for longer than five minutes and I stick to myself. I seriously need to get out more and socialize but I find that so hard to do. I always get nervous in big crowds and I could sweat my ass off due to nervousness even if it is thirty-two degrees outside. Maybe I have minor social anxiety disorder. Sometimes I just block out the crowds and have a good time with my friends. At other times I let my nerves get the best of me and I never end up having a good time. I'm seriously fucked up and really depressed. I know some things that could help but I'm too scared to explore them. Maybe I need professional help like nathan does, goes to a psych doc to talk about his "anger" and other problems. My only fear there is the money and the questions that will arise with my dad. He'll wanna know why and then he will think I'm a freak and if he finds out that I'm gay, he will freak. Well, I'm going to see if I can make it through tomorrow without being too depressed.