02/25/02

Yesterday my family and I welcomed a new puppy into the family. The little male Golden Retriever is real adorable. However, unless I'm home alone I will never get a chance to play with him. Already he's taking sides with Therese. Anyways I got jealous and mad and stormed to my room. For some reason I have been real cranky lately. I'm not sure what it is but I've been speaking my mind and pissing people off, as usual. Today at school I discover that I will not be welcome in the Escalade limo with Ron and the rest of them. For some reason, Corini and Ian do not want me to go with them. I don't much mind because most of the limo will be geeks and I don't want to impose myself onto someone who doesn't want me there. The part i get upset about is the fact that Corini and Ian don't ahve the balls enough to tell me how they feel. Instead they talk to Ron and I find out from him. I guess that's where I differ from others, if I don't like someone and I don't want them around, I speak up and let them know. I'm not trying to be mean or an asshole, I just believe that it's better to tell people how you truly feel. On prom night I'll find another limo and I won't be surrounded by geeks and losers. It just amazes me, they won't even be able to fill the limo up with me included but they want to be choicy and exclude me. Fuck 'em. I'm sure going to let Corini know how I feel in the morning. Another thing that bothered me today was what Cathy told me. I told her about Therese saying we were going to get married and Cathy goes on to explain that her family think that I'm using her and dragging her along. Apparently her mother doesn't like me very much, or my family, and she doesn't like Cathy hanging around me. Therefore, she doesn't want Cathy coming to the Keys with us for spring break. I think it's very rude of her parents to pass judgement on me like that, mainly just because I'm a guy. Oh well, so much for happy journal entries. I'm back to the depressing kind. Just kidding, I'm going to write how I feel, if it's shitty then it's shitty. If it's good then so be it. Honestly, I'm not depressed right now, I'm just a little upset about people talking about me behind my back. Only 48 school days until freedom and three regular months from today.

02/23/02

Well, I'm back to my lonesome now. I should have known that it was too good to be true. I'm still amazed at how far I let it go without realizing that the chances of it being good were very minimal. It is now apparent to me that High School isn't me. It's very hard for me to get along with immature assholes and I'm too strong-minded and strong-willed for everyone to get along with me. I also realize how hard it is going to be for me to come out and be myself. For all of High School, even before I knew for sure, I've been hiding behind my stonewall defenses. I don't believe that I could handle any humiliation if it were to come my way. And even though I don't have a boyfriend to try it with, I probably would not be comfortable in public with him. It's going to take me a while to open up and get used to people suspecting or knowing I'm gay. College will definitely be a defining period in my life. It's an open drawing board and I have four years to sketch my life out. I know that not everyone in this world will like me or accept me for who I am. I'm not so concerned about those people. I hope however that I will meet many people who will be dear to me and I hope that I have room for them in my life. Today, I'm a cute, single, gay teenager at a Catholic High School, with one true friend who happens to be a girl and one guy who is the next closest thing I have to a friend. That's me plain and simple, or so it seems, but don't let me confuse you, I'm so much more complex that even I don't know where the road dead-ends. Somehow I've endured four years of my life through a very tough time, I hope life gets much easier. I know it won't though. I do plan, however, to make up for my deprivation in high school with hopefully four great years in college. It's amazing I chose to go to Florida I would have never dreamed it two years ago. I don't think it will be so bad, I just hope that people from my past will not care about who I truly am in the future. Truly, the biggest loss when I come out will be the Boy Scouts. For six years now I have been actively involved and I have learned more than anyone can imagine. It is one past memory that will be hard to forget in the future. I know that it's not long before I'm out and I can start anew, complaining about my last three months seems vain so I'm going to try my best to have fun now that the end is so near. Who knows, I might even quietly get into the homo teen dating scene. There's a lot of cute guys in my life, some may be gay, most are not, if I find one that I like that likes me then so be it. I will wait longer if I need to though. That guy at Blockbuster is really cute and definitely gay, perhaps I should make a pass at him. :) Anyways there's a lot of things I've yet to experience and I hope I have the chance to do many of those things before my time draws to a close. It's a good promise to make because I know that if there is one person to keep such a promise, it is me. One day, I'll meet the greatest guy on earth and we will live out our life lists with each other, but until then I'm alone and I have to finish the High School part of my life happy and perhaps with a big bang!!!

02/22/02

Today was just one of those days. I snapped at everyone who crossed me and I kept to myself the rest of the time. Maybe it was because I was anxious or nervous about tonite, I don't know. However, I should have seen all the bad omens beforehand. Not only did I get a referral today but the sky was ugly and the traffic was bad. Then after I got all pimped up and I'm driving to pick Nathan up, his friend calls and asks if I can give her a ride to Arlington. This made me feel bad for some reason. Anyways when I got to Nease, it was clearly obvious that I made a mistake. Nathan just wasn't my type and his friend Annie seemed to think I was hot. He wasn't ugly but he was too chubby and had bad posture. The biggest turn off, however, was the fact that he looked like a flamer and acted like one too. I fretted over nothing. Mom and I talked about me coming out and telling Dad. I'm still not sure what to do. The only thing is mom doesn't want it to go around school because she's worried it will affect Therese. I'm not totally disappointed about this blind date with Nathan because it opened me up and helped Mom come to a little better understanding. I hope that now if I find someone they will cherish me and Mom won't be so uptight. This however will probably be the last blind date I go on. I felt really bad because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I was feeling bad because of the situation I put myself into. I think he's a pretty cool guy though and hopefully he will be able to cope with the truth. Well I'm on to big and better things.

02/21/02

Mom and I have a really good relationship, or so I think. I tell her just about everything. Well to get to my point, I think I have come to the point where it would be best if "Momma doesn't know." Ever since I told her about Nathan, she makes all these bad comments and she hurts my feelings. I don't see why she can't just understand that I'm gay and that I'm happy. She should just be happy for me, for the fact that I'm happy. She complained about me being on the phone all night last night. As if it was a big deal before she knew about him. Then this morning when he called to wish me a good day, Mom made some wisecrack about him calling so much, she said in an exasperated tone, "this is ridiculous!" She had automatically assumed it was him and she made some mean remark about him calling. After, I told a small lie and told her it was the wrong number, she tried to hide what she said. She was trying to cover her remarks up by giving me some shitty line about it being rude to call someone's house before 8:00 in the morning. I told her that I thought it was alright if people know your hours and want to catch you before you leave. Anyways, other than my phone call this morning I haven't heard anything from Mom. At school everyone was talking about prom and limos and who's going with who. Honestly, I want to go in a limo but I'm not sure who I want to go with. Cathy is a good friend but I don't really want to go with her again. What I'd really like to do is take Nathan but because of Dad I can't do that. So I'll probably go with Cathy and try to have as much fun as possible. On another note, it seems like our circle is breaking up. Ron is changing big time and it's for the worse. He's mad at white people and he's mad at school. He now says that he doesn't even want to go to prom now because he doesn't want to go with someone that's just a friend. Or he says, he doesn't want to go with some ugly white girl. I tried to convince him otherwise and that he should go just because it is senior prom but I don't know how much I influenced him. I kind of know how he feels. He's upset because he can't find a girl that he likes or that likes him. I was in that boat a little while ago and I know how depressed it makes you and how bad it makes things seem. Shit, after tomorrow night, if things don't go well, I might end up right back where I started. I just hope I have fun tomorrow and that Nathan and I connect well. Let's take it one day and date at a time. He still seems to be incredibly cute, everything he does too. Hopefully after the first date I will find him even more adorable and he, I. Well I can't wait until tomorrow.