02/04/02

I think today was just one of those days. I kind of walked around in a sulky mood and I wasn't very cheerful today. I'm not quite sure why, but I know part of the reason was that my friends are completely immature and I can't stand them. At lunch today they talked about the same shit they always talk about and I think I realized that I wasn't welcome and I moved to cathy's table and talked to her and her friends. So even though I got good grades in calculus and all my other classes exxcept religion I was still upset about something. A few people asked what I was so down about but when I realized what it was that was bugging me I couldn't tell them...shit, I couldn't even tell cathy. It has something to do with the Tucker guy from Nease. He seems pretty cool and he has an awesome social life which supercedes mine, so A) I'm kind of jealous of him and the fun social life he has and B) I'm kind of upset that it seems he's not interested in me. I think that right now I'm trying too hard to please him. I called him friday night and we talked for a long time and he said to call him anytime...so because I was on "groundation" saturday night, I called him, but he wasn't answering. Then I didn't hear from him yesterday either. I talked to him some tonight and it cheered me up a little. I'm scared. I haven't even met him in person yet and he is already affecting my moods. I think it might be headed somewhere though because tonight he wanted to introduce me to his best friend. Maybe I'm reading too much into that, but I do know that she listened in on everything we talked about. In fact, I kind of think he put her up to it. Anyways, I hope I don't set myself up for a big letdown here. Maybe, just maybe this will turn out good and put a little bounce in my step. Oh by the way, I finished my english paper tonight and I'm glad it's out of the way...its not as important to mention as my confused and messed up social life and love life though. Hehe, what love life right?

02/03/02

Today was nothing but a day of football. First, I had my football banquet and then it was superbowl sunday, Rams v Patriots. I woke up to thoughts of N. Tucker...I'm thinking that maybe this could turn into a relationship or something...but then, I haven't heard from him since friday night. Anyways, we went to 930 church this morning because we wanted to watch the game tonight. After church we had to get ready for the banquet. The whole family went, along with grandad and we got there early so mom could check up on the caterers. Since we were early, we watched the highlight film, which sucked. It focused mainly on offense and had no music. Just about everyone was there and the coaches did their thing. The guest speaker wasn't super famous, but he did have some good things to say. My favorite topic was about thinking highly of yourself, which is what I do most of the time, especially with football. In fact, I knew that I was going to leave with some kind of award today. At first I thought that both Josh and I were going to get defensive MVPs, but when I saw only one trophy I was scared that maybe Josh would get it. If it wasn't for other people thinking it was Josh also, I would have been totally confident that it was me. I worked my ass off to be defensive MVP and it paid off. I was so happy. Then when it came time for our captains to talk about the coaches, did they? Nope, and all I can say is that it reflects their leadership while playing on the field as well. The coaches chose the captains after a fiveway tie in the team vote...my guess is that the two who got dropped were me and John because of the stupid fight he picked with me...they obviously made bad choices. I got looked over due to the fight, but there is no doubt in my mind that I believed and most everyone else believed in me as their leader on the field, their captain. When I had a bad game, everyone else almost suredly had a bad game and when I played good and had my head in it, everyone else seemed to as well. On the practice field, when I worked hard, the team worked hard. I was a quiet leader...one which lead by example and I led a very divided team to a homecoming wrecking squad with five homecoming wins and five very upsetting losses. In a matter of four years I have come to love football. I enjoyed everything about it, the offseason, the practice and hard work, and the friday night fights. If I were bigger, straight , and didn't have so many other plans in life, there would be no doubt that I would play at Lenoir-Rhyne or Elon or some other non division 1A school. It's just time for me to move on with my life and close the chapter on my football career. There's other parts of me which I need to discover. In fact, I believe that is what college is all about. It's a period of self discovery. It truly is what seperates the men from the boys. I did what I wanted to with football, and that was to end with a bang, and though the bang could have been louder, it was loud enough. After today is over, my football career will be officially over. And though it really hasn't bothered me yet, I know that sometime before the end of next year's season, I will suddenly realize the void left in my heart when it dawns on me that I will never put pads on again.

02/02/02

wow! what a cool date....onto the entry:
Yesterday was one of those days where the time doesn't seem to move fast enough. I was eager for 2:33pm to finally roll around. I patiently waited on the bell that would signal the end of my longest week in highschool. It never seemed like it was going to end. With the teachers bitchin at me and assigning so much work, plus my friends griping at me, and the fact that I feel like my world is spinning upside down...I thought that this week was going to make my crack. It's tough to sit back and realize that the rest of my life's happiness could all depend on these last few months of highschool. What's worse is that it seems like everything is trying to make the journey shitty for me. I honestly don't know how I do it everyday; the fact that I can appear to be cocky and satisfied and seem that nothing is bothering me is really scary. Mainly because almost everything is bothering me. When I spend all this time alone, I worry myself sick. I worry about my future. My past is evident and my present is right before my eyes. My future however, remains to be one big blurry blob. Right now I couldn't even tell you if I'm going to be out by graduation, like mom says, she thinks I'm getting braver. That may be but I'm still terrified of what the world around me will be like when it happens. I'm happy to think that I may not be single much longer, but I'm worried that people will somehow find out that I'm dating a guy. Anyways...I'm supposed to call him but I always get too nervous to call. I'm scared to interrupt people with the phone when they are doing stuff. I talked to him for almost two hours last night and I felt that we were clicking, but who knows and maybe he doesnt feel that way. I want to meet him sometime in the near future and when I do, I hope he is cool and kind and I also hope that no one finds out. Tonight however, I'm going to sit on my ass because Cathy doesn't want anything to do with me because she hasn't called and it's starting to get late. Maybe I'll go for a drive and calm down and stop trying to analyze my life too much.

01/31/02

I drove the truck to school today and boy did it raise a few eyebrows and questions. When I first got to school, shrimp noticed the truck and was looking at it and smiling. I can't believe he is actually talking to me. Other than that, school sucked. It seems as though everything is crumpling around me. School is starting to wear thin on me and everyday I'm seeming more and more depressed. The only thing that brings light to my day is seeing or talking to shrimp. That and seeing that I'm getting good grades on calculus and other classes. I really want that car, in fact I'm thinking about getting it in red...maybe spice up my life a little. That and a boyfriend. Hopes of getting those two things are all that keep me going right now. Also tonight, at the basketball game, the kid from key west was there and he is the cutest little thing I've ever seen and his eyes are extremely beautiful. It's a shame he is like 8 or 10. Hehe, why am I always scoping out the fresh meat...j/k. Everywhere I go though, I find myself checking people out and saying stuff to myself like "mmm, nice ass!" or "man, he has nice legs!" Maybe I'm getting desperate...or maybe that's just teenage hormones. Anyways, hopefully I'm going to be able to pull everything off and get out of my nasty procrastination habit. For now I need to go because I have early detention tomorrow morning.