02/19/02

Let me start off by saying that the North Carolina trip was a blast. It was fun from the first hour in the truck on the way up there until midnight on sunday when we got back. I paired up with reesor and we tented together. I thought it was kind of funny to see that there were two other kids with the exact same pack as me. Craig apparently got a new pack and the other kid, Harrison, had his when we were in NM. Anyways, friday night, ressor and I tormented and beat the younger guys and then we slept on the big bed. Saturday morning we woke up and everybody got dressed and packed then we went down the road to get breakfast. Of course, while on the trip, I picked out a cutie to keep my eye on. On this trip is was H****, he's a freshman but he's really polite and he seems real reserved. He does have a very nice ass though. Saturday's hiking was easy and fun, it wasn't real cold and we actually had snow in which to have snowball fights with. When we got to a semi-nice camping spot we set up camp and settled in for the long cold night. It got so cold that everyone was in their tents by 8 o'clock. When we woke up it was 6 degrees with 35mph winds causing the wind chill to be below zero. I've never been so cold in my life. I was warm everywhere except my hands, feet, and face. So we all hiked back to the cars on sunday and we went back to the cabin for lunch. Then we decided to head back home because we had nothing better to do. I chose to ride in the highlander because it was more comfortable then the truck and the cutie was in it. When I got back to town I checked my voicemail on my cell phone and found out that Nathan called me on friday to wish me well. It was really thoughtful and it made me really happy to hear it. Since I have been back I have talked to him a lot. In fact, yesterday we talked from like 9pm til one in the morning. We set up a date for friday and got off the phone. He somehow puts me in a good mood and all during school he's pretty much what i think about. A lot of people have noticed my good mood and I hope it stays that way. I've told cathy about him, and tonight I told mom i was going on a date with him on friday. She was a little worried but she'll get over it and accept it. Then while talking to him tonight, I found out that he DID call me this morning but hung up because he thought it was my dad. anyways, so i talked to Cathy and she's worried that she's going to lose me because I'll be too occupied but thats not true. True though, i do talk to him all night. But i'll still have time for Cathy. So, he says he's going to call in the morning tomorrow and that would put me in a better mood so it looks like things are starting to look up now. We'll see in the weeks to come. I just hope he ain't in it for sex. I really like his personality and I want a meaningful relationship.

02/15/02

Today was one of the best days I've had recently. All day long I was in a good mood. If someone said something to me that would normally upset me, I just thought about Nathan and wouldn't let it bother me. If this is what it feels like to have a boyfriend, I wish I would have found one a long time ago. I was walking on air today and I know other people noticed my uppity mood. Hopefully I'l get in a relationship with Nathan and I'll be happy for a while. I'm also in a good mood because I'm getting ready to go hiking and have lots of fun. I won't be able to sit alone and sulk about being lonely. I'm getting out of here and I'm happy about it. I'm going to miss talking to Nathan for the weekend but I'm sure we'll catch up when I get back.

Valentine's Day 2002

Valentine's day is probably the most commercialized holiday of the year. I can't say it is pointless because I know that eventually I will enjoy the holiday and see its meaning. However, in the near 18 years of my life, I can't remember a valentine's day where I actually had a valentine to hold and be close to. I would have to say however, that this year's has been one of the better ones and that is because of Nathan. He's the closest thing I have to a valentine and I really like him. Even though we haven't actually met, I think I would still like him unless he is just butt-ugly, but he doesn't appear that way in his picture. True I didn't get a ton of candy or anything but usually guys don't get much on valentine's so I'm not too bummed. The best part of the day was getting the card from Nathan. I almost wished I wasn't going to North Carolina this weekend so that I could go on a date with him. He seems great and everything, maybe a little feminine, but that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that he seems to like sex a lot. Don't get me wrong, sex is cool, but for once in my life I want it to mean something. I want to take my time and build a solid relationship with him first. That way when we do if for the first time it will be awesome. Whoa, I think I'm jumping ahead here, we still need to go on our first date. It's funny, but I think I'm experiencing butterflies for the first in my teenage life. I know, pathetic right? But thats how I feel. I'm actually going to bed happy tonight. I'm going to school tomorrow on the supposed "senior skip day" and I'm going to walk around all happy and shit. I'm not going to let anyone or anything put me in a bad mood because I'm hopefully going to have a boyfriend soon and I'm going to North Carolina to have fun this weekend. The boyfriend can wait a week. If he likes me as much as he seems to, or as much as I like him, then he will wait. Well, I guess I need to shower now that he's called and said goodnight and I'll write in you on monday and tell you all about the trip.

02/13/02

I'm kinda getting lazy in my entries. I think its been two days since my last entry. I think monday night I was too upset to write and last night I was on the phone with Nathan all night. Today was kind of shitty. I was in a good mood for the most part because I was looking forward to seeing Nathan this afternoon when I picked Therese up from her softball game at Nease. Everything was fine until A-mod. In physics I hadn't done my homework and Sheldon decides to collect it. So now my grade suffers even more. Then at lunch everyone at the lunch table was making fun of me. Oh you're a boy scout. No one likes you. Your dad is a plumber. What's it like to have everything given to you? Ron pissed me off the most because he said that I was given his position sophomore year and that he was better than me. Then he goes on to say that they gave me the defensive MVP award and I shouldn't have gotten it. I rationalize his comments as being jealous but he needs to get off of it because I worked hard for that shit and no one can say otherwise. Then the weather was nasty, which is never good. I did sit with Cathy after school and talked about stuff. I told her about Nathan. But I shouldnt have because I don't know what is going on there. One minute he says and seems interested in me, he even bragged to a friend about me and showed her my pictures. then today he skips out on me and makes me feel like shit. I can't stand it. Anyways, I hope he calls tonight. I can't last through another shitty valentine's day without him at least talking to me. I also need to pack my gear for this weekend. Hopefully it will be fun and it will keep my mind off other stuff. such as being lonely, having no true friends, and nathan. Also today starts Lent and I'm giving up masturbating for lent. People don't think I'll last but I'm going to try and I hope I can do it. Well, anyways, those are my thoughts of the day.

02/10/02

Time just doesn't seem to pass by fast enough to keep me happy. Nothing seems to make me happy right now except for the thought of Nate. On Friday, things got so bad that I actually cried for the first time in a loooong time. It started because I hadn't heard from Nate in a while and then Cathy dissed me. I wanted her to go to the laser light show with me but her greedy friends made her go to the basketball game so I got upset thinking she doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. Then I started believing in my head that no one cares enough about me to even bother to call. I'm not upset because I have no friends, I'm upset because I have no friends who are close enough to hang with. I never get invited anywhere and I always feel like I'm imposing on people when I show up somewhere. Needless to say I get real lonely and Cathy is the only one who can remedy that, but she's been acting different lately and I'm not sure how much longer she is going to put up with me. Plus everyday I get more on the verge of screaming out that I'm gay because I need to talk about it, but the two people who know don't agree with me and don't support me. They just tolerate it cause they love me. I need someone who is totally accepting and can joke around about it with me. My mom is starting to piss me off because every chance she gets she says some derogatory comment about gays and she is hurting me. I can understand that she may wish that I get married but when she says Im not a man because I'm gay, that hurts. So, without a doubt, this was probably the worst weekend of my life except for the fact that I got some new gear for hiking next weekend. I can't wait, its' going to be a fun weekend. For once, I won't have to worry about feeling like a loser and staying home on saturday night. In fact, hopefully this week will pass quickly because I want to get past Valentine's day without it bugging me too much. I know I'm alone, but hopefully this will be the last year that will be true. I sure hope life gets better. Its only like three months left until we get out of school and then I can go to New York, buy a bunch of nice (queer) clothes and get my new car. I can party in the Bahamas, maybe catch a big blue this year and then come home and prepare for the new experience of college.

02/07/02

Again. I make it sound like no one likes me, which I don't think is completely true. Sometimes I guess I make people feel like I don't like them. I sit here and expect people to just call me up but they don't. Maybe they are waiting for me to call...I hardly ever call anyone anymore. I used to call tons of people, I would go down a priority list and keep calling down the list until I found someone home that could talk. But now I get so nervous when I call people, I think that maybe they won't want to talk to me or they will be mad and not like me if I call. It's very hard for me to pick up the phone and call someone. I'm only comfortable doing that if I'm calling Cathy. She makes me feel like shit though. Pretty soon I will have such bad anxiety that I won't need a phone. I'm a negative person and I guess I always assume the worst, but the big problem is that no one helps me out and does anything positive for me. When I am down there's never anyone there to pick me up. No shoulder to lean on. I guess everyone assumes I'm just a brick wall with no emotions that doesn't matter in life. I'm just supposed to be tough, insensitive and an asshole. People assume that I'm a generally happy person who is satisfied all the time. I wish I was. Oh how I wish I was happy. I'm surprised that I don't cry often. That's how bad it is right now.

02/07/02

I think I'm mad at the world. Today started off bad and then it got better before getting bad again, and so on. This morning I was really out of it, especially after I got an 87 on a Calc exam. That's not horrible but I need to do better so I can get 100% and a new car. All day I was thinking about how shitty school is getting to be and how much I can't stand what's going on around me. Everyone is immature, everyone is close-minded, everyone sucks. Ron is starting to slip too, even he is pissing me off, if I don't watch it, soon I'll be pissed off at my parents. Cathy went and told Ron what I said about him niggering me and then when I saw him he starts ripping on my performance in the Palm Coast game. Telling me I only made one tackle!! Bullshit. I made 3 or 4 on my own and I had a bunch of assists. It's not like he was anything special. Anyways, I got my lift in and then I came home. Tonight I went to Therese's game at Wolfson and froze my ass off while I talked to Nicole. Just a bunch of catching up stuff, nothing real deep. Actually I think I might tell her my secret someday soon. So anyways, the game ran late and if that bitch, Nate, who I guess I like, called me, then I missed him. I doubt he called though, the little prick hasn't even emailed me yet. Maybe he's not as interested as I am. Oh well, maybe something good will come out of it. I hope so because I need to relate and I need to go out with more people. I've kept myself couped up and it's affecting my psych. I don't know why I'm mad at the world but I am. I'm so pathetic, I'll be spending tomorrow night at home, all by myself. God, I hate the way things are right now, why can't people like me and show it. I want so bad to be liked and loved. My life sucks right now, I don't see it turning around any time soon. I hope it's not much longer though.

02/06/02

Today was weird because we had no power at school until 1:15pm. All day we ran around trying our best to make the day go over smoothly. I , personally, just sat in class and did nothing. I was thinking. About what, I don't remember, but I'm sure it was significant because everything I think about always is. So I made it through the day and lunch was cold and shitty. At the end of the day Ron kind of upset me because we were supposed to work out together and he blew me off. One minute he was there saying okay, the next minute I turn around and his car is gone. So I sit and talk to Cathy for a while, it wasn't real interesting because she seems to always have something better to do. I don't know but it kind of seems like she is trying to distance herself from me. It seems that lately she doesn't have time for me, or when she is around me she always ignores me. As I was talking to her today, I let it slip that I had met a guy, which is technically true, we just haven't met in person yet. Anyways, she was like, "oh god, do I wanna know?" It was like she didn't care. She can't even be happy to know that I am trying to enjoy myself. I don't think she realizes how important she is to me. I need her. Without her, I would go insane. She is my shoulder to lean on and it seems lately that she doesn't want me leaning on her. It kind of upsets me to feel not wanted by her. She is, to me, the only non-family person who seems to care about me and wants me to be healthy and happy. I crave attention and love, I need someone to want me and call me 24/7 and love me. I'm desperately in need of being liked and loved. I need to be the center of someone's universe. I used to be that way for Cathy, but I'm losing her and I need to fill in someone else's center. I'm lonely and I need to remedy that soon. I'm looking for a sweet person to love me, I don't need an asshole or a bitch. Please help me.

02/05/02

I think I am seeing a pattern in the days of my life. It seems to me that everyday I'm getting more and more depressed. My life appears to be swirling towards the drain. Everywhere I go at school everyone is saying the same old immature shit. Why can't we all just grow up and talk intellectually about something that matters? Most of today I spent my time sleeping in class, since there was nothing else to do. Everytime I tried to talk to someone I either got interrupted or they tried to talk about less interesting, immature topics. Maybe it's just me and there's some weird explanation of why I am alienating myself from everyone else. I've tried to be nicer and not so annoying but people don't seem to appreciate the change so I'm getting upset and now I am changing for the worse. Instead of being in a good mood, where people will want to talk and maybe like me, I'm moping about feeling down and sorry for myself. I am kind of closing doors in the faces of those who want to befriend me. I'm sure that deep down somewhere, all this leads to me being gay and the fact that I need to be loved. I'm not even comfortable with my sexuality with my best friend. I was talking to her today and I couldn't even say to her, "because I'm gay, " it came out as "because I'm different." How can I expect other people to be comfortable with me when I can't even talk about it with the one person who knows and doesn't care? I, seriously, envy those who are comfortable enough with their sexuality that they can converse and joke about it. I've hidden mine for so long that it is being stubborn to come out. I seriously want to tell people but I can't even say it out loud. I can only say, "hey, I'm gay!" to myself. I'm a loser, I have two friends that I actually talk to for longer than five minutes and I stick to myself. I seriously need to get out more and socialize but I find that so hard to do. I always get nervous in big crowds and I could sweat my ass off due to nervousness even if it is thirty-two degrees outside. Maybe I have minor social anxiety disorder. Sometimes I just block out the crowds and have a good time with my friends. At other times I let my nerves get the best of me and I never end up having a good time. I'm seriously fucked up and really depressed. I know some things that could help but I'm too scared to explore them. Maybe I need professional help like nathan does, goes to a psych doc to talk about his "anger" and other problems. My only fear there is the money and the questions that will arise with my dad. He'll wanna know why and then he will think I'm a freak and if he finds out that I'm gay, he will freak. Well, I'm going to see if I can make it through tomorrow without being too depressed.