02/25/02

Yesterday my family and I welcomed a new puppy into the family. The little male Golden Retriever is real adorable. However, unless I'm home alone I will never get a chance to play with him. Already he's taking sides with Therese. Anyways I got jealous and mad and stormed to my room. For some reason I have been real cranky lately. I'm not sure what it is but I've been speaking my mind and pissing people off, as usual. Today at school I discover that I will not be welcome in the Escalade limo with Ron and the rest of them. For some reason, Corini and Ian do not want me to go with them. I don't much mind because most of the limo will be geeks and I don't want to impose myself onto someone who doesn't want me there. The part i get upset about is the fact that Corini and Ian don't ahve the balls enough to tell me how they feel. Instead they talk to Ron and I find out from him. I guess that's where I differ from others, if I don't like someone and I don't want them around, I speak up and let them know. I'm not trying to be mean or an asshole, I just believe that it's better to tell people how you truly feel. On prom night I'll find another limo and I won't be surrounded by geeks and losers. It just amazes me, they won't even be able to fill the limo up with me included but they want to be choicy and exclude me. Fuck 'em. I'm sure going to let Corini know how I feel in the morning. Another thing that bothered me today was what Cathy told me. I told her about Therese saying we were going to get married and Cathy goes on to explain that her family think that I'm using her and dragging her along. Apparently her mother doesn't like me very much, or my family, and she doesn't like Cathy hanging around me. Therefore, she doesn't want Cathy coming to the Keys with us for spring break. I think it's very rude of her parents to pass judgement on me like that, mainly just because I'm a guy. Oh well, so much for happy journal entries. I'm back to the depressing kind. Just kidding, I'm going to write how I feel, if it's shitty then it's shitty. If it's good then so be it. Honestly, I'm not depressed right now, I'm just a little upset about people talking about me behind my back. Only 48 school days until freedom and three regular months from today.

02/23/02

Well, I'm back to my lonesome now. I should have known that it was too good to be true. I'm still amazed at how far I let it go without realizing that the chances of it being good were very minimal. It is now apparent to me that High School isn't me. It's very hard for me to get along with immature assholes and I'm too strong-minded and strong-willed for everyone to get along with me. I also realize how hard it is going to be for me to come out and be myself. For all of High School, even before I knew for sure, I've been hiding behind my stonewall defenses. I don't believe that I could handle any humiliation if it were to come my way. And even though I don't have a boyfriend to try it with, I probably would not be comfortable in public with him. It's going to take me a while to open up and get used to people suspecting or knowing I'm gay. College will definitely be a defining period in my life. It's an open drawing board and I have four years to sketch my life out. I know that not everyone in this world will like me or accept me for who I am. I'm not so concerned about those people. I hope however that I will meet many people who will be dear to me and I hope that I have room for them in my life. Today, I'm a cute, single, gay teenager at a Catholic High School, with one true friend who happens to be a girl and one guy who is the next closest thing I have to a friend. That's me plain and simple, or so it seems, but don't let me confuse you, I'm so much more complex that even I don't know where the road dead-ends. Somehow I've endured four years of my life through a very tough time, I hope life gets much easier. I know it won't though. I do plan, however, to make up for my deprivation in high school with hopefully four great years in college. It's amazing I chose to go to Florida I would have never dreamed it two years ago. I don't think it will be so bad, I just hope that people from my past will not care about who I truly am in the future. Truly, the biggest loss when I come out will be the Boy Scouts. For six years now I have been actively involved and I have learned more than anyone can imagine. It is one past memory that will be hard to forget in the future. I know that it's not long before I'm out and I can start anew, complaining about my last three months seems vain so I'm going to try my best to have fun now that the end is so near. Who knows, I might even quietly get into the homo teen dating scene. There's a lot of cute guys in my life, some may be gay, most are not, if I find one that I like that likes me then so be it. I will wait longer if I need to though. That guy at Blockbuster is really cute and definitely gay, perhaps I should make a pass at him. :) Anyways there's a lot of things I've yet to experience and I hope I have the chance to do many of those things before my time draws to a close. It's a good promise to make because I know that if there is one person to keep such a promise, it is me. One day, I'll meet the greatest guy on earth and we will live out our life lists with each other, but until then I'm alone and I have to finish the High School part of my life happy and perhaps with a big bang!!!

02/22/02

Today was just one of those days. I snapped at everyone who crossed me and I kept to myself the rest of the time. Maybe it was because I was anxious or nervous about tonite, I don't know. However, I should have seen all the bad omens beforehand. Not only did I get a referral today but the sky was ugly and the traffic was bad. Then after I got all pimped up and I'm driving to pick Nathan up, his friend calls and asks if I can give her a ride to Arlington. This made me feel bad for some reason. Anyways when I got to Nease, it was clearly obvious that I made a mistake. Nathan just wasn't my type and his friend Annie seemed to think I was hot. He wasn't ugly but he was too chubby and had bad posture. The biggest turn off, however, was the fact that he looked like a flamer and acted like one too. I fretted over nothing. Mom and I talked about me coming out and telling Dad. I'm still not sure what to do. The only thing is mom doesn't want it to go around school because she's worried it will affect Therese. I'm not totally disappointed about this blind date with Nathan because it opened me up and helped Mom come to a little better understanding. I hope that now if I find someone they will cherish me and Mom won't be so uptight. This however will probably be the last blind date I go on. I felt really bad because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I was feeling bad because of the situation I put myself into. I think he's a pretty cool guy though and hopefully he will be able to cope with the truth. Well I'm on to big and better things.

02/21/02

Mom and I have a really good relationship, or so I think. I tell her just about everything. Well to get to my point, I think I have come to the point where it would be best if "Momma doesn't know." Ever since I told her about Nathan, she makes all these bad comments and she hurts my feelings. I don't see why she can't just understand that I'm gay and that I'm happy. She should just be happy for me, for the fact that I'm happy. She complained about me being on the phone all night last night. As if it was a big deal before she knew about him. Then this morning when he called to wish me a good day, Mom made some wisecrack about him calling so much, she said in an exasperated tone, "this is ridiculous!" She had automatically assumed it was him and she made some mean remark about him calling. After, I told a small lie and told her it was the wrong number, she tried to hide what she said. She was trying to cover her remarks up by giving me some shitty line about it being rude to call someone's house before 8:00 in the morning. I told her that I thought it was alright if people know your hours and want to catch you before you leave. Anyways, other than my phone call this morning I haven't heard anything from Mom. At school everyone was talking about prom and limos and who's going with who. Honestly, I want to go in a limo but I'm not sure who I want to go with. Cathy is a good friend but I don't really want to go with her again. What I'd really like to do is take Nathan but because of Dad I can't do that. So I'll probably go with Cathy and try to have as much fun as possible. On another note, it seems like our circle is breaking up. Ron is changing big time and it's for the worse. He's mad at white people and he's mad at school. He now says that he doesn't even want to go to prom now because he doesn't want to go with someone that's just a friend. Or he says, he doesn't want to go with some ugly white girl. I tried to convince him otherwise and that he should go just because it is senior prom but I don't know how much I influenced him. I kind of know how he feels. He's upset because he can't find a girl that he likes or that likes him. I was in that boat a little while ago and I know how depressed it makes you and how bad it makes things seem. Shit, after tomorrow night, if things don't go well, I might end up right back where I started. I just hope I have fun tomorrow and that Nathan and I connect well. Let's take it one day and date at a time. He still seems to be incredibly cute, everything he does too. Hopefully after the first date I will find him even more adorable and he, I. Well I can't wait until tomorrow.

02/19/02

Let me start off by saying that the North Carolina trip was a blast. It was fun from the first hour in the truck on the way up there until midnight on sunday when we got back. I paired up with reesor and we tented together. I thought it was kind of funny to see that there were two other kids with the exact same pack as me. Craig apparently got a new pack and the other kid, Harrison, had his when we were in NM. Anyways, friday night, ressor and I tormented and beat the younger guys and then we slept on the big bed. Saturday morning we woke up and everybody got dressed and packed then we went down the road to get breakfast. Of course, while on the trip, I picked out a cutie to keep my eye on. On this trip is was H****, he's a freshman but he's really polite and he seems real reserved. He does have a very nice ass though. Saturday's hiking was easy and fun, it wasn't real cold and we actually had snow in which to have snowball fights with. When we got to a semi-nice camping spot we set up camp and settled in for the long cold night. It got so cold that everyone was in their tents by 8 o'clock. When we woke up it was 6 degrees with 35mph winds causing the wind chill to be below zero. I've never been so cold in my life. I was warm everywhere except my hands, feet, and face. So we all hiked back to the cars on sunday and we went back to the cabin for lunch. Then we decided to head back home because we had nothing better to do. I chose to ride in the highlander because it was more comfortable then the truck and the cutie was in it. When I got back to town I checked my voicemail on my cell phone and found out that Nathan called me on friday to wish me well. It was really thoughtful and it made me really happy to hear it. Since I have been back I have talked to him a lot. In fact, yesterday we talked from like 9pm til one in the morning. We set up a date for friday and got off the phone. He somehow puts me in a good mood and all during school he's pretty much what i think about. A lot of people have noticed my good mood and I hope it stays that way. I've told cathy about him, and tonight I told mom i was going on a date with him on friday. She was a little worried but she'll get over it and accept it. Then while talking to him tonight, I found out that he DID call me this morning but hung up because he thought it was my dad. anyways, so i talked to Cathy and she's worried that she's going to lose me because I'll be too occupied but thats not true. True though, i do talk to him all night. But i'll still have time for Cathy. So, he says he's going to call in the morning tomorrow and that would put me in a better mood so it looks like things are starting to look up now. We'll see in the weeks to come. I just hope he ain't in it for sex. I really like his personality and I want a meaningful relationship.

02/15/02

Today was one of the best days I've had recently. All day long I was in a good mood. If someone said something to me that would normally upset me, I just thought about Nathan and wouldn't let it bother me. If this is what it feels like to have a boyfriend, I wish I would have found one a long time ago. I was walking on air today and I know other people noticed my uppity mood. Hopefully I'l get in a relationship with Nathan and I'll be happy for a while. I'm also in a good mood because I'm getting ready to go hiking and have lots of fun. I won't be able to sit alone and sulk about being lonely. I'm getting out of here and I'm happy about it. I'm going to miss talking to Nathan for the weekend but I'm sure we'll catch up when I get back.

Valentine's Day 2002

Valentine's day is probably the most commercialized holiday of the year. I can't say it is pointless because I know that eventually I will enjoy the holiday and see its meaning. However, in the near 18 years of my life, I can't remember a valentine's day where I actually had a valentine to hold and be close to. I would have to say however, that this year's has been one of the better ones and that is because of Nathan. He's the closest thing I have to a valentine and I really like him. Even though we haven't actually met, I think I would still like him unless he is just butt-ugly, but he doesn't appear that way in his picture. True I didn't get a ton of candy or anything but usually guys don't get much on valentine's so I'm not too bummed. The best part of the day was getting the card from Nathan. I almost wished I wasn't going to North Carolina this weekend so that I could go on a date with him. He seems great and everything, maybe a little feminine, but that doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that he seems to like sex a lot. Don't get me wrong, sex is cool, but for once in my life I want it to mean something. I want to take my time and build a solid relationship with him first. That way when we do if for the first time it will be awesome. Whoa, I think I'm jumping ahead here, we still need to go on our first date. It's funny, but I think I'm experiencing butterflies for the first in my teenage life. I know, pathetic right? But thats how I feel. I'm actually going to bed happy tonight. I'm going to school tomorrow on the supposed "senior skip day" and I'm going to walk around all happy and shit. I'm not going to let anyone or anything put me in a bad mood because I'm hopefully going to have a boyfriend soon and I'm going to North Carolina to have fun this weekend. The boyfriend can wait a week. If he likes me as much as he seems to, or as much as I like him, then he will wait. Well, I guess I need to shower now that he's called and said goodnight and I'll write in you on monday and tell you all about the trip.

02/13/02

I'm kinda getting lazy in my entries. I think its been two days since my last entry. I think monday night I was too upset to write and last night I was on the phone with Nathan all night. Today was kind of shitty. I was in a good mood for the most part because I was looking forward to seeing Nathan this afternoon when I picked Therese up from her softball game at Nease. Everything was fine until A-mod. In physics I hadn't done my homework and Sheldon decides to collect it. So now my grade suffers even more. Then at lunch everyone at the lunch table was making fun of me. Oh you're a boy scout. No one likes you. Your dad is a plumber. What's it like to have everything given to you? Ron pissed me off the most because he said that I was given his position sophomore year and that he was better than me. Then he goes on to say that they gave me the defensive MVP award and I shouldn't have gotten it. I rationalize his comments as being jealous but he needs to get off of it because I worked hard for that shit and no one can say otherwise. Then the weather was nasty, which is never good. I did sit with Cathy after school and talked about stuff. I told her about Nathan. But I shouldnt have because I don't know what is going on there. One minute he says and seems interested in me, he even bragged to a friend about me and showed her my pictures. then today he skips out on me and makes me feel like shit. I can't stand it. Anyways, I hope he calls tonight. I can't last through another shitty valentine's day without him at least talking to me. I also need to pack my gear for this weekend. Hopefully it will be fun and it will keep my mind off other stuff. such as being lonely, having no true friends, and nathan. Also today starts Lent and I'm giving up masturbating for lent. People don't think I'll last but I'm going to try and I hope I can do it. Well, anyways, those are my thoughts of the day.

02/10/02

Time just doesn't seem to pass by fast enough to keep me happy. Nothing seems to make me happy right now except for the thought of Nate. On Friday, things got so bad that I actually cried for the first time in a loooong time. It started because I hadn't heard from Nate in a while and then Cathy dissed me. I wanted her to go to the laser light show with me but her greedy friends made her go to the basketball game so I got upset thinking she doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. Then I started believing in my head that no one cares enough about me to even bother to call. I'm not upset because I have no friends, I'm upset because I have no friends who are close enough to hang with. I never get invited anywhere and I always feel like I'm imposing on people when I show up somewhere. Needless to say I get real lonely and Cathy is the only one who can remedy that, but she's been acting different lately and I'm not sure how much longer she is going to put up with me. Plus everyday I get more on the verge of screaming out that I'm gay because I need to talk about it, but the two people who know don't agree with me and don't support me. They just tolerate it cause they love me. I need someone who is totally accepting and can joke around about it with me. My mom is starting to piss me off because every chance she gets she says some derogatory comment about gays and she is hurting me. I can understand that she may wish that I get married but when she says Im not a man because I'm gay, that hurts. So, without a doubt, this was probably the worst weekend of my life except for the fact that I got some new gear for hiking next weekend. I can't wait, its' going to be a fun weekend. For once, I won't have to worry about feeling like a loser and staying home on saturday night. In fact, hopefully this week will pass quickly because I want to get past Valentine's day without it bugging me too much. I know I'm alone, but hopefully this will be the last year that will be true. I sure hope life gets better. Its only like three months left until we get out of school and then I can go to New York, buy a bunch of nice (queer) clothes and get my new car. I can party in the Bahamas, maybe catch a big blue this year and then come home and prepare for the new experience of college.

02/07/02

Again. I make it sound like no one likes me, which I don't think is completely true. Sometimes I guess I make people feel like I don't like them. I sit here and expect people to just call me up but they don't. Maybe they are waiting for me to call...I hardly ever call anyone anymore. I used to call tons of people, I would go down a priority list and keep calling down the list until I found someone home that could talk. But now I get so nervous when I call people, I think that maybe they won't want to talk to me or they will be mad and not like me if I call. It's very hard for me to pick up the phone and call someone. I'm only comfortable doing that if I'm calling Cathy. She makes me feel like shit though. Pretty soon I will have such bad anxiety that I won't need a phone. I'm a negative person and I guess I always assume the worst, but the big problem is that no one helps me out and does anything positive for me. When I am down there's never anyone there to pick me up. No shoulder to lean on. I guess everyone assumes I'm just a brick wall with no emotions that doesn't matter in life. I'm just supposed to be tough, insensitive and an asshole. People assume that I'm a generally happy person who is satisfied all the time. I wish I was. Oh how I wish I was happy. I'm surprised that I don't cry often. That's how bad it is right now.

02/07/02

I think I'm mad at the world. Today started off bad and then it got better before getting bad again, and so on. This morning I was really out of it, especially after I got an 87 on a Calc exam. That's not horrible but I need to do better so I can get 100% and a new car. All day I was thinking about how shitty school is getting to be and how much I can't stand what's going on around me. Everyone is immature, everyone is close-minded, everyone sucks. Ron is starting to slip too, even he is pissing me off, if I don't watch it, soon I'll be pissed off at my parents. Cathy went and told Ron what I said about him niggering me and then when I saw him he starts ripping on my performance in the Palm Coast game. Telling me I only made one tackle!! Bullshit. I made 3 or 4 on my own and I had a bunch of assists. It's not like he was anything special. Anyways, I got my lift in and then I came home. Tonight I went to Therese's game at Wolfson and froze my ass off while I talked to Nicole. Just a bunch of catching up stuff, nothing real deep. Actually I think I might tell her my secret someday soon. So anyways, the game ran late and if that bitch, Nate, who I guess I like, called me, then I missed him. I doubt he called though, the little prick hasn't even emailed me yet. Maybe he's not as interested as I am. Oh well, maybe something good will come out of it. I hope so because I need to relate and I need to go out with more people. I've kept myself couped up and it's affecting my psych. I don't know why I'm mad at the world but I am. I'm so pathetic, I'll be spending tomorrow night at home, all by myself. God, I hate the way things are right now, why can't people like me and show it. I want so bad to be liked and loved. My life sucks right now, I don't see it turning around any time soon. I hope it's not much longer though.

02/06/02

Today was weird because we had no power at school until 1:15pm. All day we ran around trying our best to make the day go over smoothly. I , personally, just sat in class and did nothing. I was thinking. About what, I don't remember, but I'm sure it was significant because everything I think about always is. So I made it through the day and lunch was cold and shitty. At the end of the day Ron kind of upset me because we were supposed to work out together and he blew me off. One minute he was there saying okay, the next minute I turn around and his car is gone. So I sit and talk to Cathy for a while, it wasn't real interesting because she seems to always have something better to do. I don't know but it kind of seems like she is trying to distance herself from me. It seems that lately she doesn't have time for me, or when she is around me she always ignores me. As I was talking to her today, I let it slip that I had met a guy, which is technically true, we just haven't met in person yet. Anyways, she was like, "oh god, do I wanna know?" It was like she didn't care. She can't even be happy to know that I am trying to enjoy myself. I don't think she realizes how important she is to me. I need her. Without her, I would go insane. She is my shoulder to lean on and it seems lately that she doesn't want me leaning on her. It kind of upsets me to feel not wanted by her. She is, to me, the only non-family person who seems to care about me and wants me to be healthy and happy. I crave attention and love, I need someone to want me and call me 24/7 and love me. I'm desperately in need of being liked and loved. I need to be the center of someone's universe. I used to be that way for Cathy, but I'm losing her and I need to fill in someone else's center. I'm lonely and I need to remedy that soon. I'm looking for a sweet person to love me, I don't need an asshole or a bitch. Please help me.

02/05/02

I think I am seeing a pattern in the days of my life. It seems to me that everyday I'm getting more and more depressed. My life appears to be swirling towards the drain. Everywhere I go at school everyone is saying the same old immature shit. Why can't we all just grow up and talk intellectually about something that matters? Most of today I spent my time sleeping in class, since there was nothing else to do. Everytime I tried to talk to someone I either got interrupted or they tried to talk about less interesting, immature topics. Maybe it's just me and there's some weird explanation of why I am alienating myself from everyone else. I've tried to be nicer and not so annoying but people don't seem to appreciate the change so I'm getting upset and now I am changing for the worse. Instead of being in a good mood, where people will want to talk and maybe like me, I'm moping about feeling down and sorry for myself. I am kind of closing doors in the faces of those who want to befriend me. I'm sure that deep down somewhere, all this leads to me being gay and the fact that I need to be loved. I'm not even comfortable with my sexuality with my best friend. I was talking to her today and I couldn't even say to her, "because I'm gay, " it came out as "because I'm different." How can I expect other people to be comfortable with me when I can't even talk about it with the one person who knows and doesn't care? I, seriously, envy those who are comfortable enough with their sexuality that they can converse and joke about it. I've hidden mine for so long that it is being stubborn to come out. I seriously want to tell people but I can't even say it out loud. I can only say, "hey, I'm gay!" to myself. I'm a loser, I have two friends that I actually talk to for longer than five minutes and I stick to myself. I seriously need to get out more and socialize but I find that so hard to do. I always get nervous in big crowds and I could sweat my ass off due to nervousness even if it is thirty-two degrees outside. Maybe I have minor social anxiety disorder. Sometimes I just block out the crowds and have a good time with my friends. At other times I let my nerves get the best of me and I never end up having a good time. I'm seriously fucked up and really depressed. I know some things that could help but I'm too scared to explore them. Maybe I need professional help like nathan does, goes to a psych doc to talk about his "anger" and other problems. My only fear there is the money and the questions that will arise with my dad. He'll wanna know why and then he will think I'm a freak and if he finds out that I'm gay, he will freak. Well, I'm going to see if I can make it through tomorrow without being too depressed.

02/04/02

I think today was just one of those days. I kind of walked around in a sulky mood and I wasn't very cheerful today. I'm not quite sure why, but I know part of the reason was that my friends are completely immature and I can't stand them. At lunch today they talked about the same shit they always talk about and I think I realized that I wasn't welcome and I moved to cathy's table and talked to her and her friends. So even though I got good grades in calculus and all my other classes exxcept religion I was still upset about something. A few people asked what I was so down about but when I realized what it was that was bugging me I couldn't tell them...shit, I couldn't even tell cathy. It has something to do with the Tucker guy from Nease. He seems pretty cool and he has an awesome social life which supercedes mine, so A) I'm kind of jealous of him and the fun social life he has and B) I'm kind of upset that it seems he's not interested in me. I think that right now I'm trying too hard to please him. I called him friday night and we talked for a long time and he said to call him anytime...so because I was on "groundation" saturday night, I called him, but he wasn't answering. Then I didn't hear from him yesterday either. I talked to him some tonight and it cheered me up a little. I'm scared. I haven't even met him in person yet and he is already affecting my moods. I think it might be headed somewhere though because tonight he wanted to introduce me to his best friend. Maybe I'm reading too much into that, but I do know that she listened in on everything we talked about. In fact, I kind of think he put her up to it. Anyways, I hope I don't set myself up for a big letdown here. Maybe, just maybe this will turn out good and put a little bounce in my step. Oh by the way, I finished my english paper tonight and I'm glad it's out of the way...its not as important to mention as my confused and messed up social life and love life though. Hehe, what love life right?

02/03/02

Today was nothing but a day of football. First, I had my football banquet and then it was superbowl sunday, Rams v Patriots. I woke up to thoughts of N. Tucker...I'm thinking that maybe this could turn into a relationship or something...but then, I haven't heard from him since friday night. Anyways, we went to 930 church this morning because we wanted to watch the game tonight. After church we had to get ready for the banquet. The whole family went, along with grandad and we got there early so mom could check up on the caterers. Since we were early, we watched the highlight film, which sucked. It focused mainly on offense and had no music. Just about everyone was there and the coaches did their thing. The guest speaker wasn't super famous, but he did have some good things to say. My favorite topic was about thinking highly of yourself, which is what I do most of the time, especially with football. In fact, I knew that I was going to leave with some kind of award today. At first I thought that both Josh and I were going to get defensive MVPs, but when I saw only one trophy I was scared that maybe Josh would get it. If it wasn't for other people thinking it was Josh also, I would have been totally confident that it was me. I worked my ass off to be defensive MVP and it paid off. I was so happy. Then when it came time for our captains to talk about the coaches, did they? Nope, and all I can say is that it reflects their leadership while playing on the field as well. The coaches chose the captains after a fiveway tie in the team vote...my guess is that the two who got dropped were me and John because of the stupid fight he picked with me...they obviously made bad choices. I got looked over due to the fight, but there is no doubt in my mind that I believed and most everyone else believed in me as their leader on the field, their captain. When I had a bad game, everyone else almost suredly had a bad game and when I played good and had my head in it, everyone else seemed to as well. On the practice field, when I worked hard, the team worked hard. I was a quiet leader...one which lead by example and I led a very divided team to a homecoming wrecking squad with five homecoming wins and five very upsetting losses. In a matter of four years I have come to love football. I enjoyed everything about it, the offseason, the practice and hard work, and the friday night fights. If I were bigger, straight , and didn't have so many other plans in life, there would be no doubt that I would play at Lenoir-Rhyne or Elon or some other non division 1A school. It's just time for me to move on with my life and close the chapter on my football career. There's other parts of me which I need to discover. In fact, I believe that is what college is all about. It's a period of self discovery. It truly is what seperates the men from the boys. I did what I wanted to with football, and that was to end with a bang, and though the bang could have been louder, it was loud enough. After today is over, my football career will be officially over. And though it really hasn't bothered me yet, I know that sometime before the end of next year's season, I will suddenly realize the void left in my heart when it dawns on me that I will never put pads on again.

02/02/02

wow! what a cool date....onto the entry:
Yesterday was one of those days where the time doesn't seem to move fast enough. I was eager for 2:33pm to finally roll around. I patiently waited on the bell that would signal the end of my longest week in highschool. It never seemed like it was going to end. With the teachers bitchin at me and assigning so much work, plus my friends griping at me, and the fact that I feel like my world is spinning upside down...I thought that this week was going to make my crack. It's tough to sit back and realize that the rest of my life's happiness could all depend on these last few months of highschool. What's worse is that it seems like everything is trying to make the journey shitty for me. I honestly don't know how I do it everyday; the fact that I can appear to be cocky and satisfied and seem that nothing is bothering me is really scary. Mainly because almost everything is bothering me. When I spend all this time alone, I worry myself sick. I worry about my future. My past is evident and my present is right before my eyes. My future however, remains to be one big blurry blob. Right now I couldn't even tell you if I'm going to be out by graduation, like mom says, she thinks I'm getting braver. That may be but I'm still terrified of what the world around me will be like when it happens. I'm happy to think that I may not be single much longer, but I'm worried that people will somehow find out that I'm dating a guy. Anyways...I'm supposed to call him but I always get too nervous to call. I'm scared to interrupt people with the phone when they are doing stuff. I talked to him for almost two hours last night and I felt that we were clicking, but who knows and maybe he doesnt feel that way. I want to meet him sometime in the near future and when I do, I hope he is cool and kind and I also hope that no one finds out. Tonight however, I'm going to sit on my ass because Cathy doesn't want anything to do with me because she hasn't called and it's starting to get late. Maybe I'll go for a drive and calm down and stop trying to analyze my life too much.

01/31/02

I drove the truck to school today and boy did it raise a few eyebrows and questions. When I first got to school, shrimp noticed the truck and was looking at it and smiling. I can't believe he is actually talking to me. Other than that, school sucked. It seems as though everything is crumpling around me. School is starting to wear thin on me and everyday I'm seeming more and more depressed. The only thing that brings light to my day is seeing or talking to shrimp. That and seeing that I'm getting good grades on calculus and other classes. I really want that car, in fact I'm thinking about getting it in red...maybe spice up my life a little. That and a boyfriend. Hopes of getting those two things are all that keep me going right now. Also tonight, at the basketball game, the kid from key west was there and he is the cutest little thing I've ever seen and his eyes are extremely beautiful. It's a shame he is like 8 or 10. Hehe, why am I always scoping out the fresh meat...j/k. Everywhere I go though, I find myself checking people out and saying stuff to myself like "mmm, nice ass!" or "man, he has nice legs!" Maybe I'm getting desperate...or maybe that's just teenage hormones. Anyways, hopefully I'm going to be able to pull everything off and get out of my nasty procrastination habit. For now I need to go because I have early detention tomorrow morning.

01/30/02

Today was an okay day. School went by smoothly and not much happened. After school I hung around Ron and we waited around talking to other people before we worked out. As we were chilling, a stretch excursion limo came on campus to drop someone off. It was pretty cool. We asked how much a limo like that costs to rent for the night and found out that it's going o be about 1500 dollars. DAMN. While working out today, the JV basketball team was lifting at the same time as football, so guess who was in there? Yep, none other than my crush. As we were working out I think he caught me staring at him, but I know that he was looking at me too. Then he started to strike up conversation with me and he was all cool about it. He started flattering me about Mr. Biceps and everything...he even commented on the "cute" outfit I wore on homecoming day. Somewhere along the line he introduced himself to me and we shook hands. We talked on and off throughout the whole lift...he's pretty cool and I love the way he talks. The only disappointing thing about it was when he made some comment about cheerleaders and looking up their skirts. Some things he says come off as really straight...nothing comes off as gay except for the outfit line he fed me...but what gives me a little hope are the little looks he gives me. Oh well, even if he is gay, I'll never know. Just like no one knows about me, and after the conversation I had with mom today, it appears that I might want to keep it surpressed until college. So there goes my prom plan, hehe. The reason I've reconsidered is because mom doesn't think Dad will handle it well at all and she said he might not get me my car. OK, put the brakes on, that scares me the most. I can handle him not liking it, but I want my damn car. I've worked hard for it and I want it bad. Just like I want the "shrimp" bad. Shrimp is my new petname for my crush...perhaps I can try it out on him one day, hehe. Well, I'm ready for the future and what tomorrow brings.

01/29/02

Yesterday in religion we were assigned an autobiography that we are to write for ourselves. I think the idea is really cool and I'm curious to see how my work will come out. I think that I will learn or discover quite a bit about myself...even more than I do writing in this journal..the only thing that bothers me about it is the outline Ulmer gave us. It asks a bunch of questions about life, how it was, what it is now and what will it be. The questions are easy to answer, but I'm not sure that I want the religious staff of Bishop Kenny reading it. It's not that I feel it is too personal, it's more about the fact that the answers are a part of my secret and religious people are the first to judge my "secret." hehe. Anyways, between yesterday and today, I can say this week sucks and is going to take forever to pass by. The teachers are bombarding me with projects, homework, and quizzes/tests. Not only that but I'm still not caught up on sleep and my social life is going through some hazardous times. I don't know how many people have noticed me, but I know at least a couple people have noticed my change in attitude. I truly am trying my best to be nicer and more intellectual and intimate. I don't know if it is because of religion class or just because I've been like this forever and have been hiding it. So, in spite of the many obstacles I'm going to try to continue my change in attitude. I guess I'm trying to come out, but I need people to see the other parts of me before they learn about that part. Because, truly, only Cathy knows me and all of my parts. I even told her a little bit about my perfect coming out plan. The way I see it is that I set up the limo with all my friends and set up the little post-party at my house. I take cathy or just a friend to prom, we go with the group and in the limo. I act like my hidden self all through out. Then around 11:15 my boyfriend would come in (I bought him the ticket). The DJ will start to play a slow song that I requested earlier in the night as the crowd then parts to reveal him...the most beautiful guy in the place, walking straight towards me and ignoring everyone else. We then embrace and start to dance and after the song is over we walk hand in hand to my friends and tell them that we are going to go to the limo for champagne and wait. Sigh...a boy can dream right? Ideally, my friends would be fine with it and we would all ride back to my house in the limo and party the night away. In reality, if I did do all this, I believe everyone will stop dancing and just watch us. Some would say, "told you he was gay," and others would say "Oh my god, I can't believe he is gay!" Then there would be those that wanna laugh and those that wanna hurt us. Some will feel betrayed and half won't even care. My friends however would probably try and kick us out of the limo. That would hurt a lot, but it wouldnt stop me from going through with all of this. Nope. The part that scares me is the fact that we still will have a month of school afterwards and I'll go to school and have to put up with the students leers and stares...what's even more uncomfortable is the teachers and how they will respond to it. They won't outright hate me, but they will look at me differently. Everyone will and I don't want that to happen. Mom asked me today, "who are you taking to prom?" I don't know mom, I'd like to take a guy but no one else would like that, so I'll probably take some girl who doesn't mean much to me or I'll go with Cathy. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Lots are popping up and I'm getting stressed out. Hopefully I'll make wise decisions when it comes time to.

01/27/02

Am I blinded by sexuality? I always hear how best friends make the best couples. Is it true? I feel so close to Cathy, however, I know I'm gay. She is so close a friend that when she hurts, I also hurt. She knows more about me than my own mother. I'm so confused about it all. I know that she would marry me if I asked, but she knows taht won't happen. If there was one girl I could live with for the rest of my life though, it's her. When she came over today we talked about anything we wanted to. Right now she's got a secret that she wants to tell me, but she's not quite ready yet and just keeping it with her. She knows she can trust me, just like I trust her. We both keep saying that we can not wait until May 25th, and it's so true. We feel taht we can put a lot behind us and be happier. When that day rolls around though, it's going to sink in that our own time together is limited. I'm pretty sure we are going to be headed in different directions and I'm going to miss her so bad. I know we will be lifetime friends though because we've pulled through so much together already, that nothing can hold us back. As I was thinking in church tonight, the thought of how bad my life is flooded into my brain. I don't know why I think that, truth be told I really don't have it that bad. I have a loving family and nice material things too. I also have a very close and intimate friend in Cathy. Not a lot of people have one of those. So I guess I should stop moping about how awful my life is. True, it could be better and I think it will get better, but for the time being, my life is totally liveable. I'm thankful for my teenage years...I'll never forget my life through high school. It's all a few chapters in my book of life and it's influenced who I am today. It will influence who I am tomorrow and it will also play a part in my life in twenty years. I'm not saying high school is or was the best four years of my life, but they weren't too shabby either. I'm coming out of them a little more mature, hehe, a little better looking, wink-wink, a little smarter, a little more sure of who I am, and the best friend anyone can hope for. The only thing lacking is a sweet boyfriend. Oh well, maybe thats what college is for.

01/26/02

Tonight I went to the dance with Susan and the rest of her group. It was okay but I think Susan was trying to make the night miserable for me. We took pictures everywhere and then went to Charthouse for dinner. For the money, the food should have been better. Anyways when we got to the dance I saw a lot of cuties, too bad I couldn't dance with any. Susan also wasn't dancing with me, so I had to find some other girls that could dance. There weren't many. I ended up dancing with some not too pretty girls, but I'm okay with it. Even though a lot of people saw me with some uglies. Truth be told, I like dancing and none of the pretty girls can dance. Then Carolyn and Susan rushed me out early, so I had to stop dancing. I'm one of the better dancers at school and I can't wait until I'm old enough to go clubbing. I know the gay clubs around here suck, but I still can't wait to go to a gay dance club. I'm gonna have so much fun there. You know, everyday I think about being normal. I could get almost any girl I want to but because I'm not normal I have put up this brick facade. It's purpose was to keep people from finding out about me and hurting me, however it's also served to fool everyone into thinking that I'm an unlikeable guy. Sometimes I wish that I had come out back in my sophomore year. People would have either accepted or rejected. It's funny because the only friends that I have, who can put up with my stonewall, hate gays. So how am I supposed to come out and still have friends? It haunts me to think what would happen if I just outed myself. But sometimes I'm scared that I'll actually do it. If I could seriously pick the best time to do it I would do it at prom, but there's no way I would have a boyfriend that I'm comfortable with by then. I need to talk to mom and get her to feel Dad out because I'm worried most about him. I just have to keep telling myself that May 25th is just around the corner. Once that day passes, I have nothing left to worry about. I'll be able to seek what I always wanted: acceptance and love. I'm trying really hard, let's hope I can do it.

01/25/02

The last two days have been remotely calm as far as my thoughts and feelings are concerned. That's probably because i was too busy to self reflect or do any worrying. Today was pretty cool though, I only went to school for three classes and I had a substitute in every one. I left school early to go to the zoo for an award banquet for the all county academic football team. We had a pretty good lunch and were recognized by dan hicken. Then we were given plaques and left. I've pretty much sat on my lazy ass since two o'clock. I didn't go out tonight because I'm broke and everyone was already doing something. So instead, I stayed home and called Susan to see what was going on tomorrow for the dance. It should be a pretty interesting night. I'm gonna dress very uniquely, no one is going to look like me. Thats about it. Like I said, I don't have many significant things to tell about. I do however have many ideas rolling around that I don't have time to reflect on. So I'm going to hit the sack.

01/23/02

It's truly amazing how much Ive matured since I started writing in this book. I've noticed many changes lately and I blamed them on other people who I thought werent being themselves. Today I learned that it had nothing to do with any of them. It was simply me. I was maturing by the minute and didn't even realize it. I finally realized it today at lunch. The losers at my table were bitchin about how they are the only ones who can put up with me and accept me. It was ironic that they couldn't see that they were so wrong. As I sat in self-meditation I realized something that I already suspected. Those guys have me all wrong, none of them truly know me. Ron barely knows me, the rest aren't even close. They have the nerve to say that they put up with me and accept me. It's probably the other way around. Somehow I've managed to put up with them for four years. How I did it is a mystery to me. Also as I was sitting there quietly thinking, I observed them. I actually studied their behavior and what I saw absolutely revolts me. They have nothing better to talk about so they make fun of someone, talk about video games, sex, sex, oh and more sex (even though none of them have probably had any except Mark and of course, myself). They are so immature it is no wonder that none of them can get a girlfriend. So after I snapped out of my trance I once again left the table and talked on an intellectual level with Cathy. I think she was happy that I was finally growing up. After school I kind of touched down on the subject with Ron and Corini but they still werent catching on. So I worked out and blew off a lot of my energy and then went to the office. When I got there I didn't feel like working so I went for a ride with Mom and had one of those special talks with her. I expressed my biggest fear to her and she told me what her biggest fear about me is. She is really worried that I won't be happy and that society won't accept me. She also told me that she was afraid that some guy will try to punch my lights out. I explained to her what I plan on doing in college and I finally told her the reasons I chose UF. Honestly, I couldn't even explain them before because I wasn't quite sure how to define them. I think she understands why and I think she is also starting to come to terms a little bit more with my sexuality. Afterall is said and done for today, it wasn't too bad and I actually had a few conversations that were meaningful. I'll leave you with my new motto, "is it May 25th yet?"

01/22/02

Today was the shittiest day of my senior year. It all started when I showed up at the table this morning. Corini and his big ass mouth apparently had plenty of things to say to me about me. First thing I heard was something like "there's the gay asshole!" Then he started talking about Susan and pretty much calling me gay for not trying to get with her. How dare him try and judge me. Then he went to a second scenario saying that I was choosing Cathy over Susan and pretty much classifying susan as a ten and Cathy a one. I think that pissed me off, the gay part only upset me. Anyways, what bothers me most is that he talked to Susan about me and then he apparently talked to everyone else including Ron. I however, didn't get a phone call all weekend. It's amazing how everyone knows news about me before i even know. I was so mad and upset that for one, I could have cried and two, I could have kicked the shit our of anyone who crossed me at the time. So as i was getting calmer, hey guess what...to the dean's office I go. Ms. Greene apparently wrote me up and now i have a detention. Now I really did want to cry. I couldn't think straight and the only thing I could do was sleep. Even while sleeping my mind was racing. Towards the end of the day it got a little better but this evening when I realized I couldn't go work at Philmont because of college orientation, I became upset again. I really wanted to do that but now I guess I'm going to the Bahamas and I can hang out up here unitl my 1st semester starts. Anyways, I'm still in a bad mood and will be tomorrow. I hope the little shit is smart enough to keep his mouth shut because i don't need another day like today.

01/21/02

Man it has been one long uneventful weekend for me. After friday night I had no exposure to anyone outside of family. All I did was sit on my ass and run errands for and with my mom. Saturday I dressed up like a cowboy and drove the truck around. On sunday I went to the avenues with mom and I blew twenty bucks on two candles. Then I looked at some dress clothes while I waited on mom. I realized on sunday why I don't like to go to the mall. Everytime I go to the mall I want to buy a bunch of clothes but I never have the money so I end up leaving depressed. I told that to mom and she made some comment that i was a clothes whore and it must be the homo coming out in me. She stereotyped gay guys saying that because they don't have kids, they have extra money to spend on clohtes. Then I got into a big argument with her about gay life and society's views on it. She really pisses me off sometimes. Anyways, I'm going back to school tomorrow and I'm sure I will have a lot more to write about then. I do want to know...why does it seem that all my entries are starting to sound similar? It's almost like they have one central theme. I don't want that to happen. Perhaps I shouldn't write so often. I want my entries to detail my life in every different aspect. On Valentine's day, since I'm going to be lonely of course, I'm going to sit here and read all past entries.

01/18/02

It's actually saturday morning at 1:30 am right now but this entry corresponds with friday. I just got back from seeing black hawk down with cathy. It was an okay movie, I think most guys would like it but being the emotional, sensitive guy that I am, there was not enough sappiness for me. I'll probably be in deep shit tomorrow because mom called in the middle of the movie and said I better be home by midnight. I wasn't even close. Anyways, as for the rest of the day...This morning there was a little incident between me and Chris. I chewed him out for not knowing how to drive and getting me caught in lots of traffic. I guess that kindled the fire because around lunch time I was flaming. In religion, Ron and Mark were talking about what type of drivers piss them off. They were using stereotypes, sex, racial, whatever. Well when I decided to pipe up I said something about black guys in expeditions. Pow, Pow. I was hearing it from both sides. "who cares if their music shakes your mirror, " "you're just jealous," "why do you have to be racist about it?" BLAH BLAH BLAH. It was the last straw, I completely blew up. Those ignorant assholes always try to make my words out to be racial or demeaning and don't take what I say seriously. It pisses me off. For one I really don't like any of them except Ron and Adam, the rest are either trying to start shit (mark) or they are following losers. In lunch line, after I finihsed paying, the lady said, "Have a nice weekend." Before I could say anything, Corini was chewing me out and saing I'm a dickhead and an asshole for not replying. Then Mark told him that he's glad to see corini not taking any shit from me anymore. So Corini started talking shit and getting on my nerves. If we weren't at school I would have punched him. Anyways, instead I just left the table and went to talk to rachel. It was an okay day despite the morning and lunch hour. I also realized today that I only have one true friend, Cathy. Ron is close, but he doesn't quite know all of me and he still does things which hurt me and piss me off. I'm going to try my best from here out to not associate myself with Corini or any of the others for the rest of the school year. Is it May 25th yet? Boy I can't wait, time to get true friends and time to be myself and not worry about anything other people think about me. It's time for me to grow some balls and stand up for myself.

01/17/02

Hey, I didn't write yesterday because I was too caught up in my music and when I looked at the clock it was time for me to go to bed. Besides, after that long entry on tuesday I figured I could at least skip one day. Well today started off as a shitty day. I woke up and almost immediately picked a fight with Therese. Then mom hopped into it on Therese's side. I was so mad and upset I had to cool off in my room for a few minutes. Then school, which is never fun when it comes to my emotions. After school we worked out with the football team and it seems they are all headed down the correct track. I talked to coach C about college also, he said that if I wanted to play college ball it would be no problem because I have the ability and he has the hook ups. The truth is, I really loved football and the stardom that comes with it and I can go play in college. The only thing is, I have other things I would like to do during and I'm concerned about my sexuality. I'm worried about losing respect from my teammates over it. I already lost respect from my teammates because of the fight with John and I think that might be a big reason why I don't want to play in college. Tonight, I was really surprised though. Therese and I actually sat down and talked for almost an hour. It amazes me to see how open minded she is after growing up in this family full of close-minded people. She enjoyed the conversation and I did too but I had underlying meanings like I always do. We talked about everything from popularity to sex to boys to girls to sexuality to racism. It was all cool and I even found out that she would be cool with my sexuality and that she probably already suspects it. She just won't accept it until I tell her outright. I even thought about telling her but I only hinted because I'm still afraid that even though she wouldn't hate me, she would definitley treat me different. She also has a blabber mouth and I don't need her screaming to everyone "Hey, my brother is gay!" I'm gonna tell people that I care about eventually, but on my time and hopefully they will all accept me and keep my business to themselves.

01/15/02

Hey, it's really hard to explain what is going through my mind right now. I believe the reason is because I'm not sure of what I'm thinking at this point in my life. Im unsure about many things, I feel lost all the time. I know that for a few reason I can not wait until graduation but there are many other reason why I wish I was still a freshmen. That was before I realized my sexuality and before I realized what it's like to be lonely. when I graduate I know for sure I'm going to Florida. That is probably the only thing in my life I am sure about. When I get there I have no clue what is going to happen to me. Obviously I hope to meet some extraordinary people and make some great friends, but when it comes to people I am shy and I have a confidence problem. I fear that no one will like me, or if they do it is because I'll party and get drunk with them. I don't want life to be that way though. There's so many decisions I'm going to have to make after may 25th and I'm scared shitless. Will people accept me and like me? Some won't and I understand that, but hopefully I'll make more friends then enemies. I'm aslo worried about my future after college...I already know I can't handle a down and dirty career. I'm not sure I can be restrained in an office all day either. So many choices, I literally feel like a lost boy sometimes. I watched the first episode of Real World Chicago tonight and it startled me to see people who are just as lost as I and then people who are absolutely sure about their future. Chris was very shy at first and after a few days he's still not told anyone he is gay. It reinforces that belief I had that being gay doesn't befine who you are. In this world there is a big problem with stereotyping. Even I am guilty of stereotyping. It's very hard to not judge people, especially in high school, but I need to get past it. Now to be on the receiving end of it is nothing new... My first experience with it was that everyone never believed or believes that I am an intelligent guy. Peers at first thought I was a dumbass who preferred to joke around...they thought I was the stereotypical dumb jock. Even some of my coaches found it hard to believe that I make good grades. The stereotype people have labeled me since I turned 16 is the one I hate the most. People seem to think I have my head stuck up my ass and I'm a snob. Its an automatic response because people see me drive up in a mercedes and see me wearing nice clothes. I can't believe people would let that get in the way of getting to know someone. I've found it hard to make friends just because of that one stereotype. In fact, some people dislike my wealth so much that they feel that they should key my car. It irritates the hell out of me. All stereotyping irritates me and it is one of my two best reasons for not being openly gay. I don't want people to automatically disregard me for my sexuality, I prefer for them to get to know me and then make their judgement. I think it will be harder to make friens once I'm labeled gay and it's already hard enough. One day I'm going to face teh music and I'm going to try my best to impact people's lives in a positive way. In the book of life, I don't want to be just a sentence in peoples lives...I want to get close to them and be a whole chapter in their life story. When I die I would like to know that everyone I have impacted in my life will take a moment to say goodbye and pray for me.

01/14/02

Well the last time I wrote in this journal I was in a depressed mood. I felt trapped by my sexuality, but now that I've made up my decision to live a little more free I'm getting a little better. On saturday when mom woke me up she about fainted when she saw the picture of the Abercrombie model on my desk, hehe. I told her to get used to it and she said that I must be getting a little braver. At least it's a step, remember...one step at a time. Later in the day I got a stereo put in my truck, so now it is driveable. In fact, sunday i had a few errands to run so I drove the truck all day. It's gonna be awesome when it is finished. Anywyas, last night I found this cool site called straighacting.com, they had a masculinity test so I took it...but the results weren't quite what I expected. On a scale from 0 to 10, zero being a manly man and ten being a queen, I scored a five. I didn't realize that I was that feminine. But the quiz said I was somewhat feminine and as I thought about it, it's pretty accurate.
This morning...after all the embarrassing ultrasound tests on my nut, I asked mom if she thought I was feminine and she said some things i do are. Then I told her about the quiz. I'm not trying to shove it down her throat, I'm just trying to get her used to it, because if she really loves me, she is going to have to look past it. Nothing at school today was anything worth mentioning, so I'm not in a really depressed or excited mood. I'm neutral today. I think it is because of this new cd I bought...(the Calling) It's kinda mellow and alex's voice is amazing. It's so amazing that I wish he was all mine ;). But I really do like the music. anyways, I know it wont work for long, but it is working now. When it stops I'm going to have to find something else that makes me happy. In fact, one day i hope ill find the only thing Ill ever need. I'm actually kinda scared that I will never find him and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. God I hope not, I need to be loved by my soulmate...i dont think I'll last on my own.

01/11/02

I learned today that I truly am alone. Fucking first off this morning I get informed that no one likes me. The truth is...no one even notices me. When we went to th basketball game tonight, a lot of people were there, I started to feel a little nervousness and anxiety. Everytime I get in a large crowd I always get the feeling that everyone is staring at me and that I'm not welcome. Ron, Corini, and I stood by oursleves for an hour and no one even bothered to come by and say Hi. This is supposed to be our senior year, it's supposed to be a lot of fun. So far it's been less than okay. Corini said, "Well guys, I guess we're not cool." I keep telling other people and myself that its okay because the "cool" people are all superficial and while they have many friends, they don't have any close friends. I keep saying stuff like that, but deep down inside I envy those people. No one can see the real me. Why can't anyone see through my mask? Can they not see the lost hurt little boy that I am. The depressed steven who is so lonely and knows that no one likes him. the kid who is shy and nervous around people. All they see is a guy who doesn't talk to a lot of people but sometimes he never shuts up. He seems happy but he comes off a bit stuck up. They think I'm an asshole because I say some mean things some times while trying to fit in. They think I'm stuck up because I stay to myself and don't talk to a lot of people. They confuse my nervousness with conceitedness. To them I think highly of myself. Without my mask, I'm actually depressed and I have low self esteem and not much confidence. I've set myself up so perfectly for destruction. Nobody is brave enough to reach out and help me, no one to love me. Why can't I just break down and cry...I need to release. Perhaps shouting suicide will get attention and love. I doubt it. There is not a single thing I can do to get people to like me. Shit, I can't even tell people that I am alone and depressed. People must think of me as the asshole with no feelings...because they sure treat me like that. People walk all over me everyday and don't even realize what they are doing. Tonight was the start of another lonseome weekend. Why do I always feel so bad? Do you think that if no one likes me already, will they even care when they find out that I'm gay? It's not like I'm going to lose much when people find out. How can you lose friends you don't have in the first place? Cathy keeps telling me that if I come out it would be selfish. HOW? I want to know why the fuck my problems would effect her or anyone else for that matter. I just don't want to lose her in the end too. I'm going to need someone to turn to.

01/10/02

I think it is safe to say that today was planned to be a shitty day. Nothing seemed like it could be somewhat good. First off, the morning drive to school was practically an obstacle course...I'm lucky I didn't get a ticket. Once I get to school I realize that I missed the lettermens' club meeting. Then at the table I was practically ignored. Then in calculus someone pretty much told me that nobody even cares enoug about me to look at me. He didn't say it quite like that, but thats what it sounded like to me. I was completely overwhelmed with hurt. The thing that hurt the most is that for the most part his statement was true. Then at the end of the day I went in the locker room and saw the kid that is real feminine and acts gay...now I knew he was a swimmer, but i didn't imagine him to have a body THAT nice. I was like, Wow. Then shortly after I was talking to michele who is friends with him and I alluded to the fact that he was very gay-like and she said that he wasn't gay and that he had a girlfriend. I was kind of dissappointed at first because I could have sworn he was gay. It's kind of funny actually...there's him, the kid that seems totally gay but isn't, and then there is me, the kid that seems totally straight...but isn't. I guess I should have figured he wasn't gay...afterall, i never notice him checking me out...so he is either not interested or he really is straight. Someone else, on the other hand, looks at me a little too long for it to be just a passing glance. Granted, his eyes aren't glued to me everytime we are near, but he does sometimes and I'm beginning to think there maybe something in his eyes i don't know about. Perhaps lust, perhaps love. Maybe. But I do know that if I think about if for too long, Ill just drive myself crazy. I'm not ready to open that new chapter in my life up yet. I'm thinking more about getting through until prom without going crazy. After prom might then be a good time to open up, but until then Im not going to say anything. It's funny how life keeps rolling a long and not really worrying about daily drama...but will life keep rolling just as smoothly, less smooth, or more smooth once you jump tracks. Getting through the small obstacles is easy, getting through the larger, tough ones is what shapes our life and determines our fate.

01/09/02

Today went pretty smoothly. Only a few things that are somewhat mentionable happened today. First of all, some people are starting to figure out and understand why I all of a sudden changed my hairstyle. Of course...they only know part of it. The part they don't know is that the new hair is a way of me saying, "ok guys, brace yourselves because I'm sick of being the guy everyone wants me to be." The new hair is just a way of being unique and it's preparing me for my trip out of the closet. I know a lot of people at first are going to be real surprised and may not like it, but people will get used to it. Now onto other things...I'm a little mad for opening my mouth to my mother about bright futures. I usually tell her everything, but from here on I'm going to be a little more careful about what I tell her. When I told her that I'm not eligible for the 100% just yet, she freaked and said that she wasn't going to order my car then. This pissed me off even more beccause I've worked hard at my grades to turn them around and I really want that car. So I went in my room mad and turned some old cd's on and cranked up the volume really loud. Then while I was piddling in my room I noticed how out of shape I'm getting. I need to work out more and run. Somehow I've got to find a way around work and find time to exercise. I will look good again...I just have a little work to do...no more sitting around on the computer all day.

01/08/02

Today was just a plain average day, not happy and not too depressing. I'm working on the asshole bit but I'm not coming along so well. Soon I'm either going to just accept the fact that I'm an asshole or I'm going to become a really quiet person. I wonder which way everyone will like me more. Anyways, the only noteworthy thing about today was a discussion we had in religion class. Once again it was based on our future, but the intriguing question was "what are your greatest fears?" Obviously I couldn't blurt out all my fears because high school teenagers, for the most part, aren't mature enough to respect other people and their views and beliefs. The fear I have, which i expressed in class, is that I am scared of what is to become of me in a professional state. I don't want to get trapped in a career which I'm not happy with, sure the money is nice, but I'm beginning to think that I would rather be happy. I hope that I am smart enough to accomplish both with one career. But my biggest fear is that I will end up alone and not be accepted because of who or what I really am. I hope that I can stop hiding one day and live my life completely without fears, secrets, or regrets. I am afraid that if I don't change my asshole personality, that I may just end up lonely, so my new years resolution is to become a responsible and more caring guy. In other words...im gonna change. You can hold me to that.

01/07/02

As I sit here in all my glory lemme explain how bad school is, and how much more depressed I become everyday. As I got to school this morning, everyone was saying hi and welcoming each other back. Well either everyone I knew was either mute, or I was deaf, or I was invisible because no one cared to come up to me and say something nice. Then on top of that they all seemed to be laughing at my hair because i'm trying a new hairstyle. When classes started I just sat in a sultry mood and didn't pay too much attention to the teachers, who insisted on jumping right back into the course schedules. I also realized that I'm a boring person or I'm just not important enough to talk to, because when we had time to talk in class i was ignored for the most part. I don't see what everyone's problem is with me. Am I really just the asshole that is just there and doesn't seem to go away. Shit, I bet most everyone at school wouldn't even notice me gone if I didn't show up to school. Shit, they probably wouldn't notice or care if I died tomorrow. I don't know where I've gone wrong but I'm paying for whatever it is I did. Everyday. Only 90 more school days, five whole months, and twenty lonely weekends.

01/06/02

In church tonight, the priest was talking about hate and bigotry. How it exists everywhere in todays world. I realized that I'm a hateful person. I personally am against homophobes and I don't understand how anyone in this world can persecute and hate people based on who someone loves. I often pray that I never come in contact with people like this, however, tonight I realized that sometimes I am no better. I dislike lots of people for many different reasons and they are all superficial. I also look down on others thinking I'm better than them, but how can I be, look what I have to show for my cockiness and hate. I have one good friend, who sometimes I even feel uncomfortable with, then I have a few other friends, but all those relationships are shallow. Somehow I came to be an negative person and I have pushed people away. The only thing in my past that I can remember that could effect this is when I moved schools in the third grade. I was used to being friends with everyone, then when I got to St. Marks, someone made fun of me and it hurt, it hurt really bad. Ever since then I've always responded to hurt by ignoring it and believing that I am better than those who hurt and dislike me. I have many flaws, but the biggest one is dealing with pain and problems. I know I keep saying this, but hopefully college will be a new place where I can reinvent myself. In fact, from now on Im going to live my way and do stuff that makes me happy. I'm not going to mask my emotion when I get hurt and Im not going to let people put me down. This is one new year's resolution I plan to keep.

01/06/02

I am grateful for all of the following:
Loving family, parents that understand, a nice car to drive, my own room, privacy, Cathy, a nice house, food to eat, my own phone, natural intelligence, athleticism, healthy body, my freedom (Oh my god, maybe I was once republican...GASP), my love of backpacking, eagle scout, boy scouts, Philmont, mountains, offshore fishing with dad, offroad truck, getting into UF, being able to afford college, being good at football, music, nice clothes, water to drink, being crowned Mr. Biceps, a loving grandma, nice school, lenient job, money, friends...the few I have, photography, reading, someone to spend holidays with, volunteer organizations, my religion (again, GASP), a stereo, candles, my dogs, my cats, a swimming pool, a jet ski, a computer, an awesome football coach, my vision, my right hand...and my left :), my pack, an annoying sister that sees the real me, cigars, books and magazines, MTV's Real World, Jose Cuervo, the Bahamas, the Luhrs tournament, Mt. Baldy, bowling, sunlight, stars, movies, being a high school senior, Mrs. Randle...best teacher ever, sunsets, being able to keep no secrets from mom.

01/04/02

I'm finally back in jville tonight. I can sleep in my own bed for the first time since christmas night. The reason its been so long since my last entry is because we went down to the keys and I didn't bring this along. Afraid that snoopy people would get their hands on it and read my private shit. Anywyas, the whole trip was both lonely and boring. I spent a lot of time in solitude and trying to do things which pleased myself. At the beginning, the weather was nice and I was outside a lot taking pictures or reading or jogging...which I did quite a bit of down there. Then I think on new years eve it started raining and stayed cloudy until I left down there yesterday. New year's was bad because not only was I lonely and bored but cathy called to remind me just how pathetic my new years was and how much fun I could have been having if if iwas here in jville instead of in the keys. On tuesday, everyone left except for mom and I. We stayed behind to paint the two bedrooms and to go to key west. Tuesday we stayed inside most of the day painting and watching FSU beat VT, then on wednesday we went to key west. It was lightly raining so we didnt get to see the sunset and the experience wasn't as good. but two objects were extremely striking. The first happened shortly after we got there: Mom had gone to Fat Tuesdays to get a drink and as we were leaving we ran into a family that my mother knows. Well the interesting thing was the son of the family...just a boy, probably about 11 years old. Either he was admiring me as a cool teenager or he was old enough to know what he likes and I was part of it because he was sneaking glances at me a lot and kind of smiling shyly when he got caught. The best thing was that his eyes were the most intense and beautiful eyes I had ever seen in my life. They were like see-thru brown mixed with green...too beautiful to describe in writing. He was just an adorable little boy...like to meet him in about 7 years though. After my mom talked to them for awhile, we went and bout me a good cigar and then we walked down duval street. We were just walking and checking out all the eye candy. Let me just say that there are a bunch of weird ugly people and gay people in key west. I smoked my cigar, we both bought hats and then we headed to watch the freaks. The second striking object showed up here as I was watching the chain guy. A couple came up and stood behind me...when I got a better look, the guy was tall, slender, and beautiful...probably one of the most beautiful persons, guy or girl, I have ever seen. If it weren't for the fact that he had a girlfriend, I would have thought that he was gay from the way he dressed. Anyways, we then went to sloppy joe's to eat and be entertained by pete and wayne who were so good, I wasted 20 bucks and bought their cds. The we went back to key colony and mom went to bed as I watched more tv. MTV's dismissed was interesting, they had a gay episode and the guy who gets to choose was so cute and straight looking/acting that I didn't believe he was gay. Anyways, thursday we drove to palm beach and went to abercrombie where I bought tighter jeans to replace the ones I got for christmas and then 4 new shirts and a jacket. It's all sexy to say the least. then we slept at grandma's and headed home today. Back to my closet, back to my one-true friend, back to my computer, back to my room, back to my journal. Back to my lonely, miserable life as I have made it. That's what happens when you lie and procrastinate I guess.

12/25/01

Today was the best christma day I've had in a long time. Even though the season hasn't been good and I haven't been in the christmas mood, the day still managed to put a smile on my face. I'm not sure if one thing made me happy, but I am sure that the look on everyone's faces as they opened my gift for them could put smiles on anyones' face. I really spent a lot on people and it came from the heart and I'm sure they all knew that. Another plus for the day is that I received all the gifts I asked for, plus a few more that actually have a purpose. Ranking above average and among the best gifts that I was given for christmas are: a new stereo, an Elph Sport camera, headlamp and camp chair, radar detector, and all the new clothes. My favorite however, was a simple little gift. In a clothes box my mom had bought me a long-sleeve shirt that says University of Florida on it and a Florida hat that is devoid of any gator icons. The part that made the gift great was the note she included with it. It let me know where we stand with each other and I know that we are real close.
The rest of the day was very pleasant. As usual we went to church as a one big family. when we got home, everyone just kind of fiddled around with their presents. Also grandma decided she would leave for home today. I don't think I ever remember her leaving on christmas day. She seemed extra upset this year and mom told me that she's having a rough time so I prayed for her and kept my nose out of her business. Once she left, we all did our own little things and packed to leave tomorrow. After everyone was settled in for the night I went to the family room and laid on the couch in front of the fire. The whole time I was there I was thinking of how lucky I am and that I'm thankful for today, even though sometimes I seem ungrateful. However, the recurring theme of being lonely popped up and I thought, how romantic it would be to do that on a christmas day in teh future with the one I love. merry christmas.

12/24/01

Well today started the celebration of christmas in my family. After working our butts off all morning, Christmas dinner was ready. All the family came except for Uncle Bradley. No surprise there. The little cousins loved their presents and uncle David actually gave me forty bucks. Well perhaps after his near death experience he is trying to correct his life. Another surprise for the day was when I called Nicole. It's amazing that after all this time, there is still a great bond between us. We are still so close that we can talk for like two hours without any awkward silences. Perhaps one day she will get to know the "true" steven. For now I need to go to bed because it's time for Santa to come. Let's see if it's going to be a merry christmas.

12/23/01

Well this weekend I made another big revelation-theory about my ability to have relationships. I had gotten susan's phone number and told her I would call her to set up a date on saturday. Well being the nervous and lazy fuck that I am, I chose not to call her, Carolyn or Corini. Instead I waited until 5pm saturday and found that she was going to work. I felt horrible. I'm not so worried about a relationship with her, because I'm not even that attracted to her. I'm worried because I'm still unable to open myself up to people. The only thing I cant hink of , that could cause this closure is my fears and anticipations of my sexuality. Which, by the way, was knocking on the closet door on saturday. I had volunteered for the needy childrens christmas party and the flamey kid Matt also volunteered. He is a little feminine and somewhat skinny, but still pretty cute and probably gay. So, I found myself trying to hang around him all day. Thank god he is friends with someone I know, otherwise I would have looked weird trying to talk to him and be near him. I think I was trying to hit on him as obviously as I could without someone else noticing. Only problem is, he didn't notice either. I'm so good at keeping myself in the closet, that I'm finding it hard to get guys to notice me. Another weird thing is that his feminity doesn't turn me off like it usually does with other people...sure he's cute, but ive never found the girlish ones to be my type. Another scary thing is that I'm finding out that telling cathy all my secrets isn't helping me out much anymore. It's time I've found a guy like me that I can share my secrets with, I don't want this relationship to be anything more than platonic. That is going to be hard because im so horny and lonely that I wont' be able to get emotionally close without sex following it.
Okay, now that I got that out...Christmas is two days from now and I'm upset to find that I'm not really in the mood right now. People have told me that it's the weather, but I think it's because I'm getting older and I'm losing my inner child. I have found out lately that I have less imagination, fewer happy dreams, and little things don't hardly please me anymore. I'm really taking a turn for the worst. I'm becoming super greedy, I'm even being more of an asshole that usual. Somethings got to give, I need to turn my life around. I need to do it now, not later. I can't wait til college before I change my life, Ill go crazy or die before then. I think I may need professional help.

12/20/01

Well, today was the last school day of the year. Which also means the beginning of our holiday break. I can't believe Christmas is right around the corner. I remember when christmas used to be the world to me, lately though I haven't been real excited about it. You know I've come to find that christmas and valentine's day aren't as fun when you are alone. In fact, to make this christmas more meaningful, I spent a good chunk of money buying christmas presents. I just hope it makes me feel real good to see the faces when the presents are opened. Anyways, back to today...after we got out today I ended up going to ihop with ron, wanda, and her crowd of friends for breakfast, in fact, it kind of resembled her birthday dinner at carrabbas. Well, I found that in that group of people, I'm just a friendly associate and nothing more. In fact, they probably wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't there. Later on I took Ron and Justin to the bowling alley with Adam and Joe, Randy and Jill were there, along with Stacy, Laura, Jacob, and little Crotch. That event was a little more fun and I felt a little more in place, sort of like I belonged there. At least Ron came, it seems we've been pegged as best friends by everyone else, so hey, we might as well act like the part. Seriously though...we have been hanging out a lot lately. Too bad I'm going to the Keys, it seems I'm going to miss all the fun this holiday season. Perhaps things like this is what keeps me from having a larger group of close friends. And since schools out, I'm not gonna have a huge social outlet over the break, so I'm kinda depressed about that, and also I'm gonna mis seeing my crush and I'm gonna be extremely lonely over break. Just another lonely holiday in the life of Steven.

12/19/01

Okay, first of all, my exams today were extremely easy. I didn't talk to Susan today but I did talk to Carolyn and it seems that she is still interested. Now that summarizes the morning. This afternoon, however, was a little weird. Ron and I had decided that we would lift at school with the football team. As we were lifting Coach D came up to Ron and made some remark about me to Ron. He told Ron to ask his "boy" (me) what the deal was with wearing Old Navy shit to church. He said I looked gay and everything. At first I was offended...because not all of what I wear to church is Old Navy stuff. Then when he said I looked gay, I got worried...do I really dress and look gay? I asked myself. I didn't get all upset because for one I knew coach D was just joking around and two, I knew it was his way of saying I dress nicely. Then a little while later when I was supposed to be spotting Ron, I found my eyes diverted to Nate, who was doing crunches. I guess I either looked for too long or it was just chance, but Nate caught me looking and made some remark. I was a little worried that he caught me looking, but he can't prove anything and I don't think he would try. In fact, I think he pegged me a long time ago. I just hope i'm not completely obvious to everyone. A few people who figure things out on their own is fine by me as long as they keep it to themselves. Most of them do and will. Therese however is a different story.

12/18/01

Alas, a day without too much turmoil. Today was actually a nice day! The weather stayed colder all day and time flew right by. My car finally went in for detailing today, so I drove my mom's car and it survived a day without anyone messing with it. Today's exams, english and accounting, were both really easy. I probably got an "A" on both of them. I also talked to Susan and we are both getting a feel for each other. I also talked to Carolyn and we are trying to set something up for the four of us on saturday night. I just hope that I don't open up too much and let Susan get too close, I don't want to hurt her too much when I explain to her that we can be nothing more than friends. Other than all this today was a happy, care-free day and there is not much more that I have on my mind to write about. I just hope tomorrow goes as smoothly.

12/17/01

Well today our midterm examinations at school started. The realization is both sad and grateful. I'm grateful that there will hopefully be no more exams in my high school career. However, I'm also sad because I'm closing a thick chapter in my life, and even though my high school years haven't been great, there are still precious memories held within them. The morning turned out to be kind of bad, I didn't perform up to my abilities on my AP Calc exam and it had me worried sick up until I took the physics honors exam, which I found to be relatively easy. After school I hung around and talked to various people. I now realize how tight Ron and I are. Even though I can't tell him everything, we are still really good friends which is cool. The only thing that prohibits our friendship from growing is the fact that he is not allowed to go out much. Ron and I went for lunch and then he took me back to my car. I had to be at work @ 3 so I went home and released some hormones while thinking about you know who, whom I got a good look at today. Then I had to run downtown @ 2 to pick up the christmas presents for mom and dad. Later in the night, instead of studying, I talked on the phone with cathy. I think I should stop discussing with her thoughts about possible relationships I might get involved in...it seems as though she gets jealous and then tried to say bad things about the other girls to get me to dislike them. Oh well, I'm gonna have to prove her that this one, she will not be able to lure me away from. I would end here but I want to add the fact that my moms diary gave me another good idea tonight. The first idea was that I start keeping this journal, but tonights great idea has to do with me being a more postive person. In her diary my mom listed 93 things that she was grateful for. When I have time, I'm going to try to list at least 50...maybe it will help me become a better person.

12/16/01

It has been three days since my last entry and a lot has happened since then. At school on Friday everything went pretty smoothly; the day was easy and there was lots of time to talk. Susan and I talked for a little while, we are probably going to go on a double date type thing sometime this week. After school however, I realised just how alone and bored I am in life. Cathy had to go to gainesville friday night and my few other friends were either in trouble or doing something I wasn't invited to. So on friday night I stayed home and sulked. Saturday I went and played football with corini and a few other guys...I was kind of under the impression that I didn't belong there. However, I had fun up until the point where I sprained my ankle. So on saturday afternoon I stayed home and nurtured my ankle. Saturday night was again a lonely night for me. All my friends were apparently invited to some birthday party that I again was not invited to. I guess I really am alone at this poin in my life. I have no special somebody and I don't have a close group of friends always at my hands to hang out with. In fact, I think if it wasn't for Cathy, I probably wouldn't get out much at all. I hate to think about it, but at times I believe that I hold on to her just to have someone close to hang out with. It seems as if I'm usuing her and I think I might actually be doing just that. That's really sad. I have to keep her happy and close to me so that I don't become a recluse, good job steven. Hopefully I 'll get closer with my friends and we can hang out more. I hate this feeling of loneliness and loserness.

12/13/01

The time has come for me to write about another rollercoaster type day of my life. Dad had his surgery today and it seems as though everything went well. Thats a plus. On the flip-side, a classmate of mine was missing today, the poor guy wasn't admitted to Duke and he flipped. Rumors were flying all over the place, but I think everyone said a little prayer and hope he didn't do something as stupid as kill himself. This happened to be a hot topic today among the students. Suicide. Every teenager has thought about it, including myself, but most of the people I know don't give it much thought. I personally believe that suicide will not solve anything, it just makes life harder on the ones you left behind. I also think of it as the coward's way out. I've tried to think of the worst scenarios I could be in and suicide was still not a choice for me. Hopefully my classmate will see that too and try to get his life back on track. As for the rest of my day, it was pretty much a typical day at school. However, I didn't see much of my crush, which is unusual. I also can't believe how close midterms are. I don't usually do real well on them, and this year they could very will be the deciding factor in my scholarship money. I hope that they are relatively simple so I can get the grades so I can get my car. I think right now in life I only have three things to look forward to: 1...my car, 2...my truck, and 3...getting to college and starting a new life. Mainly, I can't wait til college and I hope it holds many new opportunities for me. I need a second chance in life and maybe I will get it in college next year.

12/12/01

I guess you could say I was in a lazy mood today. I woke up late and slowly got ready, the rest of the school day had a lazy tone to it. Today was supposed to be a good day. First we had bishop's mass, which took up class time. Then us seniors had a long lunch with the Bishop. Everything was going okay until lunch time. The lunch was free so I ate as much as I could. I had two hamburgers and a hot dog, plus a full plate of beans. Then I went for ice cream, as usual I skipped half the line and then I held it up while I begged for more ice cream. Then when I sat back down, things started fucking up. Mark B was sitting next to me and thought it would be funny to put ketchup all over my shirt. It pisses me off how high school kids could do such immature things as that. It was really no big deal but it had pissed me off at the moment. As I was getting people to help clean it off, Susan's friends were trying to get me to come over so that Susan could talk to me. Obviously I knew that Carolyn told her and that she was trying to ask me to the dance. She finally got her chance to ask in the hallway but then we both ended up being late to english class. When school got out I went to my car and for some reason I felt the need to inspect it. That's when I noticed that someone thought it would be funny to try and scratch my car from front to back. That pains me so much to know that there is some coward out there who hates me so much that they would vandalize my car. Then again, they also must fear me a lot becuase they are too chicken to approach me and tell me in my face what I do that bothers them. Here I am, I mostly mind my own business and don't vandalize other people's stuff and I don't even do it if Im trying to get back at someone. I can't wait until high school is over because I'm tired of this foolishness and immaturity. I just hope that in college everyone is more grown up. I know that college scares me now because I'm afraid of what and who I will become there. I barely have any friends as it is now. Whats going to happen when I go off to college and lose the few friends I do have? I know it's going to be hard as shit to make new friends, it always is with me. Will I be the real me or will I put up another false image at college? I hope to be truthful, but then again, do I really wanna live that life? Who knows, I may get to college and be myself and I might end up making friends faster than rabbits reproduce. Why am I so concerned? Everyone makes new friends. Alright, well I'm getting blocked up, which means I'm tired and have nothing good to say, so Im going to go to bed.

12/11/01

This morning wasn't real interesting until X-mod started. As usual I went to X-mod around 7:45. We went over the old calculus mid-term and then we went to the breakfast for the raffle tickets. Adam and I sit down at a table and who decides to sit down with us? None other than Chris P, the guy no one likes, and who keyed my car. Anyways the breakfast was still good and I stuffed my face. Cathy as usual ate nothing. Then while in government class, we had two firedrills. It wasn't that bad because there is no one in that class that I really get along with, so it's pretty much a boring class. Then I went to physics and found out that I didn't do well enough on yesterdays test. After we got through todays review I talked to Alex and Lindsey about Florida. I'm probably going to choose a traditional dorm for living arrangments and hope I don't get assigned some loser or thugged out black guy as a roommate. In english I felt kinda weird because I know Susan likes me, but she doesn't know me, and I keep glancing at her and there she is looking at me. I wonder if my crush notices this about me too, I think they might because I get caught looking in their direction a lot. Oh well. Again in English I talked about housing arrangements at Florida with maribel, she too is going with a roommate. When I leave here I hope to start a new life and leave most of this behind, that is why I'm not rooming with someone I know. There's something else I've been thinking about too...for someone who doesn't talk to many people and doesn't hang out with many people, a whole lot of people seem to know about my personal interests and whats going on with me. It actually makes me wonder...do they know so much about me because they dislike me? or do a lot of people actually think of me as an OK guy, but feel that I don't give them a chance to befriend me? Perhaps I shut people out to protect them from my lies. I understand that sounds stupid, but I am way too vulnerable to let everyone see the true me. It seems that everyday Im getting closer to letting the truth out but it scares me shitless to think that everyone, friends and enemies, will then be able to see my soul. If I let down it would change way too much. Perhaps I am a conceited asshole, but hey, everyone knows that and I still have my friends. Maybe some of them talk about me behind my back, and to think about that hurts but if you really think about it, most everyone talks about someone else behind their back. Anways, I got a little sidetracked there. The rest of the day went slowly. I found myself exhausted by c-mod and even tried to catch some more sleep at work. Then later tonight when I saw mom and therese, a big argument broke out about me being conceited and arrogant and it hurt me to realize how angry and futile my sister is. Her words sting like salt in a wound. She will definitely piss many people off in her lifetime. Well, let's hope tomorrow brings new wisdom and fortune.

12/10/01

Today I woke up in a good mood, the day seemed like it was going to be a good day. Why I believed it would be? I don't know. Even the omens were pointing to bad. This morning was very dark, dreary, and rainy. Mom wasn't here to wake us up and see us off. So, instead we got up earlier than usual and left without breakfast. The day was going to be good anyways because I was going to school (my onl social outlet in life, ) and mom is coming home today. My sister asked me to drop her off in front of the gym this morning because of the rain, I'm gald I obliged because on the way I caught a nice glimpse at my crush.(life would be much better right now if I knew my feelins were requitted) After that, things started to go downhill...I did a mediocre job on the two tests I had and then I had to suffer through Ms. Greene's dictatorship. The pointless busy work she has assigned us is enough to make everyone's day bad. Finally after school I saw my crush again but today I didnt receive any smiles or "special looks"...something else to add to a shitty day. Then I had to report to my dad's office for the first day of my "real" job. When I finally saw mom for the first time since friday morning, all she did was bitch out orders. I endured through two hours of mental moredom and went home. Later that night things turned worse. Recently I was admitted to the University of Florida and my mother can't stand it. she is tired of Dad and Grandad ragging on FSU and now because I'm going to Florida she thinks I've turned on her. She treats me unfairly now and is always making sly remarks. Then she totally blew up. She believes I have chosen to go to Florida for reasons that disgrace me...she keeps alluding to our conversation two summers ago in teh pool. She can't be further off. So now she goes to bed upset, but I go to bed lonely (like every other night) AND upset. Tomorrow is already looking bad.